Sunday Confessional

Gratitude? What the Hell is That?

2011-07-31T22:17:00.009-04:00

Church has always been hard for me. 3 whole hours - I mean, come on, really?! In my current ward I have sacrament meeting last and sunday school first, which is always the hardest order for me - like a double kick in the pants. But today was different. I was sitting in sacrament meeting and felt very grateful for the fact that I actually wanted to be there. This just dawned on me - I think it's very possible that I'm the most active I've been since the first days when I got baptized. Huh - wow. For that I am grateful - the gospel is really helping me recover from my doom and gloom.

So in the spirit of gratitude, I have decided to dedicate this blog post to the little things in life that I am grateful for today:

Yesterday I had a whole Saturday afternoon to myself to do anything I wanted and had time to relax. There was time to G-chat with a friend that I haven't really caught up with in a while and it felt REALLY good. Warm and fuzzily.

This frozen dinner, my friends, has honestly changed my life as I know it. Yummy beans and veggies topped with a perfectly proportioned layer of delightful mashed potatoes - a frozen meal that is actually GOOD heated up in the microwave and not just medicore-I-should-have-used-the-oven-but-I-was-too-lazy. Interesting fact: Cheaper at Whole Foods than at Albertson's in Venice, CA. Check your local stores.
Naturally (get it? haha), Whole Foods comes next on my gratitude list - especially since it's less than a mile away from residence (which, ahem, hopefully won't be my residence for very much longer. I'm trying to convince my treatment team that I don't need to live in transitional housing anymore and that I can move out on my own and live either in a studio or with someone from church.) Anyway, back to Whole Foods - they have the bomb cheese pizza and it's cheap too!

Tuesday is currently my favorite day of the week because my favorite TV show comes on. Wait for it.... Covert Affairs!! (Not that the picture above didn't give it away, haha.) Great show if you have never watched it. It's in its second season on USA. Annie is an awesome character. I'm grateful that I can lose myself in her life for an hour every week from 10-11pm.

The beach - my favoritist place ever. Since living out here, I go to the beach every second that I can to walk along the shore, preferably ankle deep in water (although without fail I always end up knee/thigh deep, I don't know how that continues to happen....hmmmmm...) hunting for shells and sand dollars. I have quite the collection now and it keeps growing.

Phew - congratulations for reading to this point! Gold medal for you! This is the last one, I promise. I'm grateful for my two rings that I always where on my right hand. They are positive reminders for me to fight the good fight. It's kinda hard to tell, but the stone on the ring on my index finger is a deep red and the ring on my ring finger is circled with hearts. Gotta have self-love! (Er, working on that one.)

Thank you readers for being my friends. I will try to be better at posting. :)

Sudafed and School

2011-07-06T01:52:00.003-04:00

Can you believe this nasty cold of mine is still lingering around? Grrrr. Well, in case you are following my cold medicine saga, I have traded in the completely ineffective DayQuil for Non-Drowsy Sudafed and that seems to be working moderately better. It at least cuts back the nose blowing from once every 5 seconds to once every 5 minutes. Did you know that the state (or maybe just the state I'm in, CA...?) scans your drivers license and keeps track of how much Sudafed you purchase a year now? The government is cracking down...

Guess what? I got into grad school! I got into the clinical psychology program at Pepperdine for Fall. I think this is good. I'm still kind of in the shocked phase where I haven't really processed it and I don't feel like its happening to me.

I only applied less than two weeks ago - two weeks after the deadline no less. I called at 4:55pm on a Friday and asked if I could still apply for Fall and they said that although the deadline had already past, if I could get my application in by Monday they would take my app. Honestly, I didn't think I was going to get my act together because the Saturday of that weekend I couldn't get focused and do any work at all. I didn't even start. But then Sunday rolled around and I just cranked everything out in 8 or 9 hours and I got it in on time.

I might still apply to another program, it really depends how the information session goes at Pepperdine this weekend (I know, I'm TOTALLY doing this application process backwards, heh.)

Okay, now everyone cross your fingers that I can finally find a job soon so I can actually somewhat afford to go to grad school!

Sickypants

2011-07-02T17:03:00.002-04:00

Besides my frequent migraines, I don't get legit sick very often - I'm talking only every couple years or so. This I am very thankful for because I don't tolerate physical discomfort/pain very well AT ALL. I'm a major wimp in this department. Mental/emotional pain while it's agonizing, is something that's familiar and I know how to deal with.

Ok, so I'm sitting in the living room with the patio doors open to nice, sunny, mid-70s southern California weather and I have the most ass-kicking cold of the century. Why on earth would someone get a cold in the middle of the summer in California???? Seems totally backwards in my mind. But here I am. With a cold. On one of the most beautiful days of the year. Sigh.

And PS - Dear Tylenol, get your shiz together and get your ass back on the shelves - I swear by Tylenol Cold and Flu and now I am forced into using DayQuil and it's just not as good. Sincerely, Kara Johnson

In other news, a new girl, A, moved into the Grandview, the transitional living house, about two weeks ago and we've really hit it off. Although it may sound premature, we've even been seriously discussing living together after we both leave Grandview. I started feeling more stable about the future since my living arrangements were becoming more solid. Well - not so fast - the bubble burst yesterday when A told me that she is actually hastily leaving Grandview in less than two weeks (when originally we were both going to get out around the same time in several months). Apparently, her therapist doesn't think she needs to be here anymore. She is 85% sure she is moving back in with her parents. Don't count your chickens before they hatch, Kara. I should know that by now. I got way too excited about this way too soon. Things in treatment change really fast and you can't always count on people (sometimes through no fault of their own, although sometimes I have been seriously burned).

Morals of the story - colds in California do exist and as a general rule don't make plans to live with someone two weeks after meeting them - especially if you meet them in treatment. Ha.

New Favorite Quote

2011-06-27T00:20:00.002-04:00

"Barn's burnt down... now I can see the moon."

- Masahide

Rolling in the Deep

2011-06-22T23:34:00.003-04:00

The first week out of the day program was reeeeeeeeeeeeeally hard, I'm not going to lie - excruciating actually. The following week got better. Things started to dip on Monday again and today the dark cloud has been raining on my parade ever since I woke up (actually even before I woke up - I did not sleep well either). There is a lot of sadness and fear that I am dealing with and at this point in time I am fighting the harsh reality of their cause. Problem is - I am never going to gain any glimpse of peace until I radically accept (DBT anyone?) the loss. I need to admit to myself that yes, the loss happened - no, things aren't going to change back to the way they were, and yes, I'm going to have to live without this person for the rest of my life. I feel so alone. So scared.

I'm sorry if you think this person is dead. That's not the case, but honestly and truly it's a loss on that level because this person will no longer be in my life. And this is someone I truly respect and admire - someone who has really brought me through some hellish times. I really do feel like I'm mourning - as weird/dumb/silly as that sounds. As weird/dumb/silly as all this sounds, I can't lie about the intensity of the deep loss and intensity of my sadness, suffering, and pain over this. This may sound crazy - but this possibly feels just as emotionally difficult (not that they are comparable) to the death of my best friend in 2006. My heart is breaking. I feel so heartless saying all that because this current person isn't even deceased - but the extent of the loss feels just as deep.

Our Dear Friend, Will Rogers.

2011-06-15T15:18:00.005-04:00

Hello everyone. This is my first private post and I admit that I feel kind of weird. When my blog was public I didn't know who was reading it and who wasn't and that actually brought a strange sense of safety. I think it had to do with the anonymity factor. Maybe I'll just be private for a little bit - it's a little uncomfy... or maybe I'll get used to it. In any case, I need to remember that I blog because I enjoy it and because it's a form of cheap, effective therapy.

Speaking of therapy - I've had some significant changes in that realm in the last two weeks. Two weeks ago to the day, was my last day of the day program I was attending. I was in a treatment program that was basically from 9am-5pm everyday - very intensive. That ended two weeks ago and I went from having my entire day filled with therapy and groups to nothing. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. I tried to prepare beforehand as much as possible - looking into volunteer work, finding an outpatient therapist and a few outpatient groups to attend, joining a bowling league (yes, I actually did that), trying to find a low-stress job (still don't have one of those)...

*Footnote: Important detail you may or may not know is that I'm still out in LA and out of the 24 hour treatment center (but you probably figured that out) and since February I've been living in a transitional living house. This means I live in a house with 8-10 other girls (it's a big house, no worries) and there is always a staff present, but I can come and go as I please but there is a midnight curfew (doesn't the Spirit go to bed at midnight anyway or something? ha ha). The transitional house is a good middle step for me between full-on 24 hour treatment and real life. I don't want to fall flat on my face (or my ass for that matter) after all the work I've done. [End Footnote.]

Here is a quote I was introduced to by my new therapist, E, by one of our historical greats, Will Rogers:

"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there."

Very inspiring, eh? :)

The Revival of Sunday Confessional!

2011-06-12T04:59:00.003-04:00

Well, it's been over 3 months and I still haven't been able to bring myself to push the delete button on my keyboard, sending my blog into the blackhole of cyberspace. I can't imagine that it would actually be 100% deleted - seems like once something is on the internet, it is always on the internet in some form or fashion. The thing is I doubt I would be able to find it again after I pushed the delete button and that's what I'm scared of - reality hit:

I'M NOT READY TO GIVE UP MY BLOG YET.

There has been something holding me back for the last 3 months. I would get really really close to deleting my blog (as in hovering over the button close), but then I just couldn't go through with it. I just kept putting it off and putting it off. As of this finest hour of clarity - none other than 2:12 in the morning - I am going to start writing on this blog again. I'm not quite sure what it's going to look like. I'm still definitely in recovery and have LOTS to talk about. I hope some of you are still out there to listen...

Til next time... Stay Tuned.

Goodbye. Farewell. Au revoir.

2011-02-22T03:36:00.003-05:00

Yesterday (which ended a mere 35 minutes ago), was my 27th birthday. Usually I don't put much stock into birthdays, but this birthday felt like a bigger/different/more significant (?) milestone than previous ones. I feel like I'm starting a new year knowing and understanding a lot more about reality than I did before - for better and for worse. Although I am still depressed and I'm still in the process of tackling many demons, I feel like I'm making a fresh start this year.

I've been thinking about this for the past several months, but I think my birthday has cinched the deal. I have decided that I am going to end my blog, Sunday Confessional. This blog has been instrumental in keeping me afloat the past couple of years. Not only expressing myself through writing, but then knowing that people are reading my words and I'm being heard has been invaluable to me. I thank all of you who have read my blog, both those who have made comments that have meant so much, and those that have silently read and understood.

I don't think I'm going to quit blogging forever - but for now I'm going to take a break until I get back up on my feet - or maybe just my knees? Sunday Confessional has taken me through some rough times, but as I said above, I feel like I'm making a fresh start in a sense, or at least I'm wanting to make a fresh start. Sunday Confessional has taken me as far as it can go and now it's time to move on. I've thought about this, I really have. I don't feel right about just revamping Sunday Confessional - I really feel like I need to retire it - that trying to switch gears would somehow cheapen it or something.

Thank you, readers, for supporting me for the last couple of years. I appreciate all of you. I will leave this post up for a few days if you want to leave a comment with any parting words (hehe) or your e-mail if you want to be notified when I start a new blog. I will also leave you with my e-mail - please e-mail me if you want me to let you know when I start a new blog. I'm sure all of you are thinking, "Kara, who cares?!" But, you know, I thought I'd offer it up just in case. :)

Here's my e-mail: sundayconfessional (at) gmail (dot) (com)

Even if you don't care about any new blog ventures I might have, feel free to e-mail me anyway about anything. I can be slow at returning e-mails sometimes, but I will do it!

Peace out.

Sometimes...

2011-02-14T04:13:00.004-05:00

... I just don't know what to do with myself. I find myself just sitting somewhere starring at nothing. I don't have a desire to really do anything, but it's uncomfortable to just sit and do nothing. Unfortunately, I'm going through an insomniac phase, so the go-to coping skill of marathon napping isn't appealing.

I feel like I'm running on empty, maybe just fumes - barely making it through each day and then having to muster up nonexistent energy for the next day. I'm so TIRED - emotionally, physically, mentally... Things are catching up with me. And by "things" I think I mean intangible things like waves of emotions - panic, fear, pain - and then fighting the good fight (hell, now that takes a lot of energy).

How do people do this? People tell me, "Oh, Kara, I know it's hard now, but it's worth it. Life gets better and the good outweighs the bad by far. You just have to be patient and work harder. You will get there." I just don't get how people can hold on and get over this hump - especially when I don't even really believe that life will ever "be worth it" for me. I think it's possible, but I'm just lacking faith. I definitely could use a very large shipment of faith flown in direct from the Bahamas - I hear they grow good quality faith there.

I really should go to bed, it's almost 1:30am and I was supposed to be attempting sleep around midnight, not bopping around on the computer. It's just been hard for me to get myself to go to bed. Scary transition for me off and on throughout my life - why? No idea. Okay, I'm going to put on the ol' iPOD and make a noble attempt at sleep - I sure need it.

Goodnight and Happy Valentine's Day to those that still celebrate it. :)

[Edit: Shortly after writing this post, I fell asleep, sitting up in bed, with the computer in my lap, with this post still on the screen unposted. Staff came in a few hours later (remember I'm still in the transitional living house) and wake me up because they were afraid my computer was going to fall on the floor). So I hit "Publish Post," put my computer on the floor, and promptly fell asleep.]

New Favorite Quote:

2011-02-02T23:21:00.002-05:00

"Just when the catepillar thought the world was over, it turned into a butterfly."

- Proverb

I read this a few weeks ago and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I really am that catepillar thinking that the world is over or about to be over or should be over or however you want to word it. It gave me a glimmer of hope to remember that catepillars don't die, but they turn into butterflies and maybe perhaps, just perhaps, I may too? Now I'm obviously not banking on turning into a breathtaking gold and black spotted monarch - but the idea that I could even turn into a butterfly at all... that sparks at least some further thought. And if further thought is all I can get right now - I'll gladly take it. Thank you, Proverb.

And She's BACK...! From Outer Space...!

2011-01-30T10:20:00.005-05:00

Hello everyone - if there is still anyone out there... I know it's been a ridiculously loooong time since I've posted and I know an explanation is due. I definitely have missed blogging over the past several months. In the beginning of November, I went into residential treatment in CA (no internet allowed - I want to say "boo" but it actually has been a nice reprise) and I just switched over into a transitional living program yesterday (hence the now allowed computer usage). I swear, this 3-month residential treatment has been monumental in my recovery. I have made strides that I have never made before. I think the difference is that I have been able to actually shift some of my thought patterns and rearrange some of my views of reality and of the world - which has absolutely never happened before. This has been possible because I think I'm at the right time in my life and because I'm finally in a treatment center that treats me with respect - like I'm an actual human being, not some glassy-eyed subservient delusional patient.

The program that I've been in has been heavily structured around DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy - annoying, but I LOVE IT!). The skill of "radical acceptance" and I have an intense love/hate relationship, but when we are getting along, it has been life-changing. One of the most comforting things that I've been trying to embrace (okay this is going to sound disturbing, but hey, whatever works, right?) is that reality is effing H-A-R-D and people can be disappointing. Just being able to acknowledge that and not fight it makes it so I'm not continuously set up for failure like in the past.

Basically, I'm doing better than I ever have by light years, but at the same time I'm going through traumatic, gut-wrenching emotional pain. It's definitely a confusing-as-shit wild ride. I'm not quite sure how to handle it, but as of now it includes lots of ridiculous sobbing mental breakdowns. The thing I know for sure is that a huge part of my recovery is staying in CA - I'm now officially a California Girl! (no intentional dissage to those from CA, but I don't know if I like how that rolls off the tongue...)

FYI

2010-10-22T19:50:00.002-04:00

I'm thinking about shutting down my blog or at least making it private. I'm such a trainwreck, I don't even know what to write about or I don't want to write it because it's sooooo depressing and unappealing to read. I'll give my best to update you now - as pathetic as it is:

I spend most my time:
- in bed
- watching seasons of tv shows on netflix (now: prisonbreak)
- bopping around the internet, mainly FML, FB, e-mail (although I rarely return any)
- going to movies, mainly by myself
- going to therapy 3x a week
- a little retail therapy (shamefully ordered from QVC for the first time - don't worry it was a one timer, it was 5am and I was delirious.
- wondering if i should continue to hope or if hope exists in my case

Sorry to be such a debby-downer.

Need Support

2010-10-11T04:12:00.004-04:00

see more Very Demotivational

Wow, it's been a looooooong time. I'm sorry I haven't written in - let's see.... about two months. Things have been ridunkulously hard and I just haven't been able to write. I've been told in the past that I am a "difficult case," but it hasn't really hit me until now. Honestly sometimes in the past I would take that as a compliment. But now I feel like I am almost out of options. Dr. K doesn't really want me to go to the hospital or go to anymore treatment centers because she says it hasn't been working. And she is right, it hasn't been working. Dr. K finally admitted that medication doesn't really do a whole lot for me either. Great. I feel like I'm so left alone in all this. People can't make my problems go away, as much as I wish they could - I'm just so alone, trapped by my overwhelming feelings. For now, my regime is seeing Dr. K three times a week.

Well, that's about as much as I can write right now. But it feels good, so hopefully I'll be able to keep this up better. I wasn't planning on posting today, but I found this picture and it made me think a little (of course, after I got over the scary ass giant spider issue).

"Never Say Never" - Except for Today

2010-08-29T19:25:00.002-04:00

I just got out of the psych ward after a weeks stay there. Not cool. This was the fourth time this summer.

My announcement to all: I'm NEVER going to the hospital again! NEVER EVER EVER!

I'm Back in Action!

2010-08-19T08:54:00.002-04:00

Why hello. Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged. Sooooooo much has been going on, yet I've felt like I have had nothing to say. I haven't been able to muster up the motivation to blog, I've just been so self-absorbed with my shitfest life (and feeling sorry for myself). I've been isolating big time, and I have to admit that seeing Brie have the courage to write again has given me the kick in the pants that I have needed.

So let's play catch up:

I'm no longer at Renfrew because after yet another visit to the "spa" (aka the psych ward), the Frew decided that I had some other issues that I needed to work out before I could come back. Of course they made the exception that I could still do family therapy there once a week (and what a joy that is). So I tried to go inpatient at a place that specialized in what I needed (sorry, being purposely vague because I just can't go into right now), but of course with the luck that I have, insurance kicked me out before I even hit 24 hours there. Next, I tried the day program there and it SUCKED BALLS. I left after a week because I was tired of spending groups listening to people talk about their issues with putting futons back together and the like. It was totally useless. Not everyone was the sharpest tool in the shed, including the therapists. Le sigh.

Okay, so after that brief synopsis now we are up to present day - for the most part. Since that plan didn't work and I didn't feel ready to go back to Renfrew, Dr. K (my T, if you have forgotten) decided that we could do an intensive outpatient program, seeing her 3x a week. This felt right and we have been doing it for a week and a half. Although she just recently sprung on me that she is going out of town for two and a half weeks!! Um, WTF. We just started this 3x a week biz and now I'll have NOTHING for almost 3 weeks and I'm an effing mess. Very cool, Dr. K. I love how we just started this plan and then you leave me hanging. My last appointment with her was on Tuesday. We talked about trying another inpatient program, but they don't currently have a bed (it will be 1-2 weeks) and there it's 50-50 that insurance will cover this. Awesome.

I don't know what I want or need. Do I need to go inpatient? Part of me thinks I need it and part of me doesn't. We've run out of day programs to try, so basically it's inpatient or nothing. I'm so confused. And honestly, scared out of my mind. I haven't been sleeping well. The other night I stayed up until 6am (eek, I know) watching the entire second season of the United States of Tara. It was a good use of my time, although I probably should have planned it better and not done it in the middle of the night.

Okay, well, I broke the ice and completed my first post in months and I feel good. Blogging really has been so therapeutic for me and I realize now that I have missed it.

Thank you, Brie for for you unknowingly kicking me in the pants. Muchas gracias. (I'm so cool that I had to look that up on Google to know how to spell it and something tells me that I still got it wrong - but gold star for me for trying to be cool. Ha.)

PsychoBabble

2010-05-23T20:00:00.003-04:00

I just found out that apparently Dr. K thinks I'm Borderline (!). Seems to me that something like that is a big deal. How did I find out you say? Through my parents!!! Not only am I upset that she would tell something like that to my parents - but hello? what about telling your client first. And no - she still hasn't told me. Biotch.

I see her Thursday. I'll update you then.

For now, I'm still in the day program (I think I might be setting a record for how long someone is there) and I'm just skating by, on the brink of being kicked out. Part of me just wants to quit, but I know I need more help. There is just always so much drama. Drama. Drama. Drama.

Update a.k.a. HOT MESS

2010-05-01T21:05:00.002-04:00

Whirlwind update:

1. I've made it this far still being covered by insurance for my Day Program (insert clapping here) so let's just hope it continues.

2. Minor snag last week. I took off three days or so and went to what I euphemistically call "The Spa." More commonly known has the psych ward. I went "willingly" because the day program wouldn't let me back until I was cleared. Psych wards are the biggest waste of time, money, and resources. I could do a whole post on my experience - and I will when I get more energy.

3. My therapist and I have just started working on an issue that is very raw and upsetting - so basically my world is even more turned upside down.

4. Just to top everything off, since my spa visit, I've been banned from my house. And banned from the roommate bonding trip they are currently taking right now. I'm living at my parents house right now. Apparently me going to treatment and then suddenly going to the spa really sparked some anger in my roommates. They have even brought in a psychologist to deal with it. Honestly, at this point, I'm like screw you, maybe I won't move back in. In any case, we are having a mediation session on Monday night with all of us so we'll see what happens...

SOS

2010-04-15T02:27:00.003-04:00

There is a strong chance that insurance is going to kick me out of my treatment program on Monday. I was hoping you all could do me a favor and send good vibes/pray/meditate/whatever you do so that I won't get kicked out. I can't. I know I'm not ready. I know I'm not going to be able to maintain my progress if I leave now.

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaasssssseeeee God, I know we haven't talked in a while, but I really need this.

Honesty

2010-04-09T23:34:00.003-04:00

Okay, I'm one HOT MESS. I think for the next little while, my entries will possibly be more sporadic (as they seem to have already gotten). It's been really hard to keep up on my blog since I've been in treatment. So this is just a little forewarning that things are going to slow down on Sunday Confessional for a little while, but I will be back in full swing hopefully in the near future. I'm not going to stop blogging completely while I'm in treatment, I just want to be fair and give you the heads up that it's not going to be as much.

Here is a short update:

- I'm still doing the Day Program at Renfrew - until who knows when.

- Hella bad body image.

- Decided to defer grad school for a year because 1. there is no way in hell I'll be ready to start an academic year of a part time internship on top of full time classes (aka 15-16 credits) at once especially right after treatment (I was one of those "take 9-12 credits a semester girl.") And 2. I honestly don't know if I want to be a therapist anymore. I don't want to cause pain and I feel like things have become tainted (more in depth explanation to come). Although I don't know what the hell I'd do instead....

- I just realized this instant I missed Chelsea Lately tonight and I'm ticked. (Not that I could have used the TV anyway - yay for communal living - NOT). Oh wait, it's Friday, phew, she isn't on Friday nights. I got all riled up for nothing. Story of my life.

- I don't look forward to the weekends anymore. Instead I can't wait until Mondays to go back to treatment because the weekends are so hard - what is the eff is wrong with me?!

Hmmmm.... I can't think of any other relevant (or irrelevant) news about me except for the fact that I need to use la toilette. So let's end on that note.

Peace.

Ass Kickings and Swirlies

2010-04-03T18:13:00.004-04:00

I know I haven't posted all week, but things have really been a mess. Depression and ED are kicking my ass and giving me swirlies. I either haven't known what to write, or I was afraid that what was truly in my head would come out and I would be abandoned. If you didn't already know, I have serious abandonment and trust issues and I swear that Renfrew has been playing me like a fiddle. The thing is, I know that it's mostly my fault, not Renfrew's. Now don't get me wrong, Renfrew has done some pretty shitty things to me, but what treatment center hasn't? It's the nature of the beast, right? The hardest thing for me is to gain back trust in others when they have screwed me before. For example, I still feel like the director (who shall remain nameless) is the spawn of Satan for an incident that happened in the first week. I hold on to stuff like that and it really affects me. Problem is - it affects my treatment too. I know, or at least I'm trying to know, that the staff at Renfrew have my best interest at heart, so I need to give them more to work with. I have to L E T G O......... and T R U S T.........

Any tips?

If I Need An Intervention, So Does Chelsea Handler

2010-03-28T15:21:00.006-04:00

I'm sorry folks, I still haven't located my camera and cord to take a pic of my A-M-A-Z-I-N-G tattoo. I know that a lot of people say that you will always regret getting a tattoo later, but so far it's Day 6 and no regrets, baby. I don't think I described my tattoo in my last post, but it has special meaning for me. I first thought of the idea of the tattoo in high school. I've been struggling with depression for my whole life (since I came out of the womb, is that possible?) and ED for over half my life. The tattoo is a candle with a flame, symbolizing "a light in the darkness." I debated for a while where I was going to get it, but I finally settled on the inside of my right wrist. There it's really visible to me, but it can also be covered by a bracelet or watch if say, I go to ahem, ahem, church, and see my ever faithful hometeacher ahem.

This past week at Renfrew has seriously kicked my trash. I had another clash of the titans with the evil director. The week was just hard thus lately I've been depressed times two hundred. How do I know that I was really depressed yesterday? Well, yesterday night was the night of Chelsea Handler's stand-up routine - the event I've been anticipating for MONTHS - and yesterday I didn't even really care about it. Don't worry, I willed myself to go - but for future reference stick to seeing Chelsea Handler on her show, not live. Major thumbs down. CHELSEA + TOO MUCH VODKA = BAD SHOW. And yes, she was drinking on stage. She was so sloppy and so clearly drunk, taking every joke miles too far. And if a Mormon girl can tell you are drunk, you know it's baaaad news.

All I wanted to do today was relax on the couch, watch some TV, and sip some diet orange soda - but alas, my roommate pulled an Intervention on my ass and wanted to get me out of the house, so now I am sitting at Starbucks on my computer. Could have been worse - she wanted me to go to a movie and I just don't have it in me for that. She thinks I lay around the house too much, thus not helping my depression - meh, she is probably right. Do I care? Not really.

Well, that's all for now - except I'm on my effing period so I have monster cramps on top of everything else.

Peace.

Current Position: Upside down and Blindfolded

2010-03-24T22:37:00.005-04:00

The past few days I have felt batshit crazy. To knock out all the boring yet painful deets, basically the "treatment team" decided that I am not going to residential Renfrew in PA. This decision of which I learned in the most inappropriate manner shocked my socks off for two reasons:

1. My therapist told me the previous day that she wanted me to go to Renfrew residential in PA (which I will now refer to as the Renfrew Spring Lane because I'm tired of typing it out the other way) on Monday. As in physically go up there and check myself in 5 days from now. I couldn't sleep with all the anxiety. Talk about freaking me out. And then to have it all quickly reversed - my mind is old and feeble and doesn't do backflips like that so easily anymore.

2. Why the hell should the "treatment team's" decision trump my therapist's decision? No one else on the treatment team even sees me! Maybe a quick hello in the hallway, but that's it. They don't know me.

So, I took it REALLY HARD when my T at the day program told me that I wasn't going to Renfrew Spring Lane - not because I had my heart set on going there, but because of the poor way it was handled (and the lack of apologies from treatment center personnel - typical) and because I feel like I need more help than the day program is providing - so now I'm screwed and left feeling hopeless.

Okay, well, I said more on that than I was going to, but oh well. To sum it up this week has been hell and burdened with eye ball scratching, hair pulling, teeth chattering, kicking and screaming ASS SUCK. It peaked last night when I really had strong Gladiator urges to hurt myself (and meh, maybe a few others). So I decided at 9pm after I'd had enough to go get a tattoo before I do anything else crazier.

No need to fret, although this was a very implusive move, I've been wanting/thinking about this tattoo for over ten years.

My super dedicated hometeacher is going to have heart failure when he finds out. I'll have paddles ready.

Pictures of the tat coming soon.

IP?

2010-03-20T00:24:00.002-04:00

I feel like I'm falling down the rabbit hole from Alice In Wonderland. There is so much to think about, my mind is going crazy. So I like the Renfrew Day Program, but I still don't know if I'm getting enough support. I don't know if going inpatient again will help or not, but I am tres reluctantly looking into going IP at the Renfrew in Philadelphia. I reeeeeally don't want to do IP again....but I'm not sure what else to do. I need so much more help than I'm getting. I think I need more outside help, but I probably need some inside help too. I mean, how do you know when you have "maxed out" on treatment programs ad that they just won't work anymore?Anyway, I ramble. Things are really stressful and confusing because I don't have all the time in the world to work on recovery right now. I'm on a medical leave at work and I know I have at least six weeks and I know they will work with me, but I CAN'T lose my job otherwise I will lose my insurance.

So my question is:

Have any of you fine ladies been to Renfrew in PA? If so, give me the deets!

Face It, You're In The System Now

2010-03-16T21:08:00.004-04:00

Over the last week, I have decided that I really like the Renfrew program. Still not sure if it's going to help me, but it has potential. So everything has been going well - that is until today. I'm still too livid to talk about it, but I will leave you with this:

I HATE therapists that think they understand you better than you do yourself just because they are a "professional."

Nothing gets under my skin more than a therapist pulling the "professional card" acting like we don't know what we are talking about because we are the clients (not PATIENTS!) and we're the crazy ones. We are invalidated and told what we think.

And if I had to get into a tiff with anyone, of course it's the director of the entire program! Smooth, Kara. Why oh why? Who do you think is going to win this battle? Um, director, ahem, almighty director. Grrrrrrrr. Today is a gigantic reminder why I don't like treatment!!!

Ugh. I can't go on, because if I did, the remainder of this post would just be expletives.

3 Days Under My Belt

2010-03-14T13:40:00.003-04:00

Well, I survived my first week at the Renfrew Day Program. Technically it was only a 3-day week because I didn't start until Wednesday, but I still have all my fingers and toes. Everyone is REALLY nice there except..... my dietitian, ugh. I told her straight to her face that she was harsh and insensitive. She was very abrupt with me and only spent 20 minutes with me to try to explain this very complicated meal plan. I see her again on Tuesday and I'm just hoping that my first impression of her was clouded by the first-day-trauma-syndrome, but I have my doubts. Thank goodness for E, who is a diet tech and said I could ask her questions if I felt more comfortable with her.

I was toying with their 30-day residential program in PA, but that idea was quickly squashed when a new girl came to the day program on Friday and knew many of the girls from the PA residential program - there were free-flowing inside jokes, giddiness - I don't know, it just rubbed me the wrong way. It was nauseating. No more thoughts of residential for me.

I know this post is kind of in backwards order, but just go with it. We had Art Therapy the first day I was there and we were supposed to draw our "inner child" - sigh. Well I picked a black piece of paper and tried to depict that my inner child is ruining my life and I want to kill it. As I'm drawing, I look around the room and EVERYONE else is drawing rainbows, beach scenes, and butterflies. Er, awkward.

Anyway, I can't wait for Monday to come (crazy I know), but I'm really struggling over the weekend with my food plan. I still don't really get it (or maybe I just don't want to put in the time and energy to get it, I don't know?)

Oh yeah, one more thing - there is yoga once a week! Eeeeek! I h-a-t-e yoga with a fiery passion. I'd rather jump out of a plane with a defective parachute.

More updates next time.

PS - Maybe I should shower today.... I haven't showered all weekend......nah, I'll be good until Monday morning.

I'm in....Wait, What?

2010-03-09T21:43:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm starting the Renfrew Day Program tomorrow. Tomorrow. Eep. Tomorrow is so soon.

I'm a little bit hopeful, a little bit hopeless. I'm terrified, but I think this program is where I need to be (hopefully?).

I'm ashamed of my body. I'm in a different stage of my ED then I have been before. I'm no Twiggy. Will I be the biggest person there?

Fear. Lots of it.

The Crazed Kara

2010-03-08T21:37:00.004-05:00

This picture captures how I've been feeling lately. That's why it's been hard for me to blog, so I'm sorry I've kind of left you guys hanging for a bit. But I can't go there right now. I'm just going to give a superficial update. This post is going to be short because it's all I can muster, but here is the update:

I'm still doing the IOP program that I told you about last week. I don't think it's really helping me. The program is for amateurs, you know first-timers - I think I am too "advanced" for the program - been in the system too long.
Even though my therapist is still out of town (talk about BAD TIMING), I made an appointment for an intake for the Day Program at Renfrew. I think I was trying to separate my depression and ED and that isn't working.
At this point, I feel like no program is going to be able to help me - so I'm praying that Renfrew blows me away.

Sorry, that's all for now. I'm not even sure if I make sense. Since I last posted, my emotions have been OUT OF CONTROL. I've been completely non-functional. Please send me good vibes for my Renfrew intake. I'm soooooooo nervous. I'm terrified that I'm too FAT to go.

First Day at Kindergarten a.k.a IOP

2010-03-03T23:30:00.002-05:00

Yes folks, things have been going mindblowingly fast, but I just had my first day at my new intensive outpatient program at a local hospital. I purposely didn't want to do an ED focused program, so this program mostly focuses on depression and emotion regulation. Here are some highlights of my day:

I busted ass to get there on time this morning because the ominous sign on the IOP door says that if you are more than 10 minutes late then you have to wait outside. For how long? I have no idea, but I was NOT going to be late. I got there with a few minutes to spare and soon realized that the staff don't take that sign very seriously because not only did they not start the group on time because we were "waiting for others to arrive", but once we finally did start, a random girl walked in and took a seat like 30 minutes later. I will officially NOT be busting ass tomorrow and will be stopping at Starbucks on the way like I was going to do today but was too scared I was going to be late.
I met with the program psychiatrist (why I need to do that, I don't know, because I already have one, but whatever) and she actually wasn't an a-hole. Rare, but good. I purposely choose a non-ED program because I just don't want to talk about it right now, but some of the first questions out of the psychiatrist's mouth were about my ED history and weight. Yes. I cried. I cried even harder when she mentioned that there were a few other girls in the program that had EDs. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - I want to get away from that sh-t.
I slept through 3 out of the 4 groups today. My bad. Unlike the Nazis at CFC, no one interrupted my peaceful slumber. Ironically, one of the groups I fell asleep in was talking about sleep patterns and insomnia. Ha. Oops.
I was worried about having to eat cafeteria food for lunch, but it wasn't bad. They had more diet soda choices than I could imagine and had a good variety of other things. No mystery stew to speak of. And it's a damn good thing they give us vouchers for lunch because I'm going to be spending all my birthday money on parking! Conveniently the only parking is in the hospital lot. Nope we don't get any discounts because we are there are there all day. I paid 9 bucks to park today and will everyday until I stop this program.

Granted, I know I was asleep for 70% of the day, but my first impression was not fabulous. My gut tells me that I need a more intensive program - one without a lot of fluff. I swear we had a 10-15 minute break at least every hour - but there is nothing to do so we all just sit there in silence and listen to whoever is peeing in the bathroom next door. But I know I can't make a rash decision so I'm going to attend for at least a week. Lucky for me (NOT) Dr. K spontaneously decided to go to Florida for all of next week - Ts have the damnedest timing.

The Countdown Begins...

2010-03-02T00:19:00.005-05:00

It's just after midnight and I should be asleep, but I'm really anxious. Everything has happened so fast. In 8 hours and 40 minutes I'm going to be at my 9am intake appointment at the intensive outpatient program I've been thinking about going to. I've told my boss and my boss's boss and they are being really supportive. My family is being really supportive. My therapist is being really supportive. And my Americorps/Volunteer Corps director is being mostly supportive. What's wrong with this picture? Not much resistance - weird. Not how things usually go in my life. Eeek - I spoke (wrote?) too soon - I haven't hammered everything out with my lovely insurance company yet. Now that is going to be a big beast to bring down. I know I have coverage, I just don't know how much. I'll find out tomorrow (well, it's after midnight so I guess I mean today).

I'm like 99.9% sure that I'm going to commit to this program and give it a try. The only thing that will stop me is if in my infinite knowledge/experience with treatment I get a bad vibe from this place. I really hope I get good vibes though because there aren't a lot of IOPs options here.

So please send me some good vibes....

I'll let you know how it goes.

Ever Wonder What's Written In YOUR Medical Chart???

2010-02-25T17:52:00.007-05:00

I've decided I need a lighter post today. Last night my roomie showed me this list of things that real doctors have actually written in patients' charts. It's hysterical. I thought you all would appreciate this because I know that most if not all of you have at one point been entrenched in the medical system.

Okay, here they are. Remember, doctors actually wrote these things in peoples' charts. For your convenience, I have highlighted my favorites, but they are all good (so, erm, I started highlighting my favorites and I was highlighting like every one or every other one which is kinda annoying so I nixed the highlighting idea so you can now assume that will all tickle your funny bone.)

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid.

21. She stated that she has been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of the genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.

25. The lab test indicated normal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blake, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

32. The patient is happily demented and has no other complaint.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart rate had stopped, and he was feeling better.

34. The patient has no past history of suicides. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

35. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

36. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

37. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

And here I thought that doctors were supposed to be smart....

Makes me wonder..... WHAT THE H-BOMB IS WRITTEN IN MY CHART?!

Not Doing So Hot

2010-02-23T23:56:00.002-05:00

I saw Dr. K today and we talked about how something needs to change because I'm going way downhill and can't handle my emotions - it's interfering with my everyday functioning. I've stripped down to doing the bare essentials (brushing teeth not always being one of them) and things are still really hard. My goal is just to get to work and get through the work day. I feel like I want to quit my job every minute of every day and I know I don't really want to do that, I just feel like it because everything is so hard.

Dr. K upped my meds today and we talked about taking a 2-3 week medical leave from work to do an intensive outpatient program at a local hospital. I don't know if I want to do this, but something has to be done, so tomorrow (I guess today, it's 12:02am) I'm going to do a little research. I'd be willing to do a program if it was REALLY good, but that means I'd have to open my mind to it - and I'm not good at opening my mind up to anything that slightly has to do with the word "hospital."

Hospital = Me Being Bitchy, Cynical, Defiant -- not so conducive to therapeutic healing, heh

Sigh. So I don't know what I'm going to do. I need to figure this out. My parents are NOT going to be happy if I decide to go through with this....

Suck.

Fri to the Day

2010-02-19T11:34:00.003-05:00

Okay, the decision has been made - I'm DEFINITELY leaving work early. Not just a little bit early, but WAY early, as in noon early. My boss has been out of town all week so I've been making excuses almost every day to leave early or come in late. I'm such a slacker. Sigh. I have no desire to get my lazy butt in gear, even though I do have some work that I'm behind on.

I'm definitely surviving, not thriving. I don't know if I even want to thrive though, so that is a big problem. I don't know if I have the motivation to get better. Lately here are the things my pathetic life has consisted of:

- work
- trash TV
- napping/sleeping
- reading FMLs
- checking up on blogs as best I can
- checking e-mail and not responding to most of them
- therapy
-dietitian
- crying

Basically, in a nutshell, my life sucks right now. Perhaps the worst part, I don't care enough to change it. I think I'm giving up hope on a lot of things. I'm coming to terms that the things that I need are not possible the way I want them to be - and that is really hard.

Ya'll Meds Are Tres Important

2010-02-16T14:57:00.005-05:00

Now, I often have mental breakdowns, but always in the privacy of my room or my car. Me no likey crying in front of others. Yesterday evening however was a different story. On top of the usual stress and anxiety from ED and depression, I was really stressed about mundane things like cleaning the house and going to the grocery store, and going back to work the next day for the first time in 12 days (okay, not so mundane). The straw that broke the camel's back, however, was from 6:00-6:30pm when the sh-t hit the fan - all. at. once. All of a sudden in that half our period, I had a new insurance problem, a new urgent medical problem, and two big work problems and I was on-call. I knew I needed some Klonopin ASAP, but I had run out. I came down stairs, barely holding it together to tell my roommates that I needed to go to my parents house real quick (my mom has the same meds so we often help each other out, ahem, illegal, ahem - oh well). I would be late to the scheduled dinner plans that we had, but I knew that I had to get my meds. So I walked down the stairs where they were ALL congregated in the entry way and tried to explain with being as vague as possible and then it happened --- I started hysterically crying and had a panic attack. Um, not cool. I work extra hard to keep it together around others, but clearly this sacred rule was broken last night. For the first time they have now seen the dark side.... (queue the doom music).

Thankfully I have therapy this evening after work and I'm going to get another prescription of the Big K (my therapist is my psychiatrist too -weird, but good).

Okay, I've been at work for a little over four hours and I've barely gotten anything done. I'm not super motivated (not that I ever am, ha) because my boss is gone this whole week, so I'm not really feeling the pressure to get things done, although I am behind on a lot of things. Thank goodness this place is so chillax, or I probably would have been fired already or at least put on probation if I worked anywhere else.

Okay, back to the grindstone, peeps.

Happy V Day!

2010-02-14T16:15:00.002-05:00

The most romantic thing I'm doing today on Valentine's Day is picking up my prescriptions.... welcome to my life.

Congratulations to Me!

2010-02-12T12:55:00.003-05:00

Kara ..

Eating Disorders Community

I just checked my blogger e-mail inbox for the first time in a while and to my surprise I had gotten 5 e-mails (I guess they really wanted to get a hold of me, heehee) from the Blogger Health Wellsphere inviting me to join. I don't know much about this so-called Wellsphere because the website is kinda confusing and I'm not that savvy, but what I did gather from it is that it's an honor to have your blog be invited. Now what kind of honor, I'm not sure, but what I do know is that I've seen these awards on other blogs and those blogs are cool. (However, tons of my blogger friends have private blogs and they are super snazzy too). So it's all relative. But hey, if it takes a little blogger award to brighten my day - then I'm all for it!

In other random news: I haven't been to work in 9 days because of the snoapocalypse and I still have a 3 day weekend coming. I always thought I was immune to getting cabin fever because my lazy ass likes to sleep and watch TV, but I'd have to say that I'm getting a tad restless. Deep dark confession: I think I'm looking forward to work on Tuesday - eeek! I can't believe I just admitted that.

Well I have three more days to get in as much TV and resting as I can, so I better get started!

Hibernation

2010-02-10T01:40:00.005-05:00

I've really been searching for the past few weeks for words to describe the way that I feel. I feel like things are changing. I haven't been in the mood to do anything. I just watch mindless television... I haven't posted in a week... I just haven't known what to say. But as I was reading one of my favorite blogs the other day, the author used the exact word that I've been looking for: hibernation. Although I'm desperate for help, I'm blocking people out, isolating, and am hopeless. I just want to go away.

So, I am in HIBERNATION. I don't know what to say to you all, to my friends, to my family, to my therapist... I feel like I just don't know what to say anymore. I've really reached a hopeless point.

I guess this is my attempt at reaching out, wanting connection and understanding because I know you get it all. I'm sorry I've been a bad friend to a lot of people lately, but I'm slowly trying to change my ways and let the light in.

Update

2010-02-03T11:39:00.003-05:00

Thought you might want an update:

The dreaded Volunteer Retreat was just as bad as expected. It snowed a foot at the beach and I was terrified that we wouldn't be able to make it home on Sunday afternoon, but praise the all mighty heavens because we did - I don't know what I would have done if I had been stuck there any longer. Well, I don't really know what more to say about the retreat except that it sucked. I hate using up my weekends on these dumb retreats. I need my weekend to myself so that I can recuperate from work, but then when I have a retreat, I need time to recuperate from that - so let's just say that Monday was a bitch.

Last time I briefly told you all that I fired my dietitian. Well, that is now moot because yesterday my T convinced me to go back and give her another try. Now I have an appointment with the D scheduled for February 11th. I have conflicting feelings because I feel like our personalities kind of clash, but I know that she knows what she is talking about and I do want help. She is not all warm and fuzzy and isn't uber sensitive about the whole ED thing (even though she is an ED specialist) - but I know that all this is generally about me, not her. I tend to twist everything around so that I hear that people are calling me fat, no matter what they say (I'm sure you all can relate). I need to chillax, but that is kind of hard when I'm SCARED SH-TLESS about dietary stuff. Ugh, I'm starting to freak out right now just typing this. Breathe. I need to change topics.

On a lighter note, I can't remember if I have already spilled the beans, but I got tickets to see Chelsea Handler!!!!! March 27th, baby!

I Will Survive! Wait - Do I Have To?

2010-01-29T01:13:00.005-05:00

The week has just gotten worse and worse from my last post. I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Today has been especially bad. The icing on the cake? I went to e-mail my roomies that I was having a hard time/mental breakdown (if they only knew how bad it really was, hah) and asked permission to do my designated cleaning chore by Sunday instead of by tomorrow -- but guess what? Instead of sending it to my roomies, I accidentally sent it to the freaking Board Director of my Volunteer Corps - who I a) have only met once and b) already don't like her. Nothing like getting hit when you are already down. Grumble. Grumble.

I'm going to have a terrible weekend too. The Volunteer Corps (that means me) are going on an intimate weekend retreat at a beach house with the Board (including the one I sent the e-mail to). FML. And yes, we are going to the beach in the dead of winter and it's supposed to snow. What are these people thinking???

Well, it's after 1am and I need to go to bed. I spent literally ALL DAY procrastinating applying for scholarships so I have to do that in the morning - they are due on Monday.

So goodnight, peeps.

PS - I also fired my dietitian today (adding to some of that breaking downage), but I don't have the mental/emotional energy to give you the juicy details tonight. Let's just leave it for now that she got my hopes up, dashed them, has a "holier than thou" attitude, and doesn't know as much as she thinks she does. More to come, I promise -- if I survive the winter beach retreat, that is.

Discovery

2010-01-26T21:49:00.003-05:00

As I was just writing a very emo e-mail to my therapist, I realized something:

I have something missing inside me. A part of me is gone or was never there in the first place. I don't know too much about it, but it's definitely missing. It's absence causes me pain and heartache. Because it's gone, I can not be comforted. I can't find solace in other people and I can't soothe myself. I need something, someone, to take care of me, but I'm left alone and helpless. I wonder, with this piece missing, can I ever be happy? Will the darkness ever fade into the morning sun? I honestly don't know if that is possible for me in my lifetime.

You Know Your Life Sucks When...

2010-01-21T16:08:00.003-05:00

Reading the new FMLs is the highlight of your day.
You don't even have an ounce of fun on your mid-week day off.
It's your turn to make dinner and you're such a sh-tty cook that you are dreading screwing up baked potatoes.
You try to poop and only rock hard pellets come out - ouch.
You are finally ready to change your life and your new Dietitian's only advice is to eat more frozen dinners.
All day all you want to do is watch Season 3 of Dexter but have to file taxes and fill out the FAFSA form instead.
You bring 8th graders pizza and chicken wings and they still make fun of you.
You have two gigantic craters of zits on your face, yes they are bright red, and yes, they ARE noticeable.
You called your mom for support and she just told you all the things you should have done instead.

Well, I'm sure I could think of more, but I have to begrudgingly go to the store now to buy potatoes for dinner...

Peace.

3am

2010-01-17T03:29:00.003-05:00

I thought it was going to be great to have the house all to my self this weekend - but the truth is I'm lonely. It's tough to be alone with your thoughts. I've been trying all day to wash away my loneliness with Dexter, Gmail, Facebook, work, food, and FML, but it's after 3am and nothing is working. I should probably just go to bed. But it's funny....I always want to be physically alone, but when I am, I just sink farther into my head. On the other hand, when I'm with people, I often feel detached and mentally alone. The thing is - I don't know if I want to get out of my head or if I want to be happy or if I want to recover.... it's all just so scary. Okay, I can feel the cry-myself-to-sleep tears coming on so I'm just going to read a few more FMLs and go to bed. Goodnight.

Rant

2010-01-13T08:21:00.003-05:00

So I'm just a smidge bitter. Okay, more than a smidge. It's 8am and I am the only person in the office (most people - including me - don't come to work around here until 10am). I had to get up almost two hours early to get here when I could be doing this work from home. I should be at home right now sleeping and waiting for hotline calls, but instead I'm here - alone - at the office. I asked my boss last night if I could take my 3 hour hotline shift from home today since I was all caught up with work and am still recuperating - I didn't think it would be a big deal and I was sure that my boss would give me the okay.... until she DIDN'T! She said that she is "concerned" with how much work I've missed (hello, mucho sicko last week, not vacationing in a tropical paradise) and she wants to talk to me about "some things." Let's just say I'm a touch nervous.... and a touch pissed because she isn't going to even be here for another two hours! To top it all off, because I'm in the office alone, the automated lights keep shutting off every five minutes so I have to flail around for a few seconds to get them to turn back on. Not my idea of a good morning.

Whine. Whine. Whine. Grrrrr. Grrrrr. Grrrrr.

No STDs for Me!

2010-01-11T11:23:00.003-05:00

Well, here I am, at the office for the first time in 12 days. I wish that was because I was vacationing for 12 days, but no, I was sicker than a dog. And it wasn't just uncomfy, don't feel good sick, it was gross, disgusting, nobody-look-at-me sick. It was also the weirdest sickness I have ever gotten - it took four doctors to diagnosis me and then it turned out to be just a freaking virus!! Virus = can't do sh-t about it, just wait it out. I was at least hoping for some sort of cool diagnosis that I could brag about later. Here were my gnarly symptoms (for those of you faint hearted, you might want to skip over this part):

- Blisters with whiteheads all over my mouth, tongue and throat.
- Opaque yellow layer of who knows what covering my tongue.
- Blisters and sores on my lips.
- Fever.
- Headaches (these are probably because I couldn't get my daily fix of caffeine - stopped cold turkey).

I know it kinda sounds like I got an STD, ewwies, but trust me folks, no STDs for me.

My mouth was in excuriating pain, it hurt to talk, it hurt to swallow, it hurt when I was doing nothing at all. I also had no energy. The only thing I could manage was drinking liquids slowly through a straw. Yay for Propel and chocolate milk! Finally the third doctor I saw finally gave me something for the pain. It's called "magic mouthwash" (some sort of lidocaine cocktail) - it was A- freaking - mazing. It numbed my entire mouth and I could finally get some sleep.

Worst part about it: Guess who had to take vacation days for this? Moi. Grrrrrrrrr.

Breach of Confidentiality

2010-01-07T23:55:00.007-05:00

Well folks, I'm literally still recovering from the much anticipated New Year's weekend that ended up being SIGNIFICANTLY WORSE than my Christmas break (didn't think it was possible, but know I know it is). 2009 really beat me to the ground all the way to the end, then the beginning of 2010 thought I still needed a beating. I'm slowly recovering and (and hence haven't been blogging) will delve into the details of my NYE on another post, but for now I'll leave with a little scintillating detail to keep you interested: I still haven't gone back to work yet and won't until at least Monday - it was that bad.

Now, onto what I want to talk about now. Individual therapy should be private and confidential, no? Meaning, when I see Dr. K, it's just her and me in the room. Two people. That's it. Or that's how it's supposed to be...

Not last week though. I was seeing Dr. K for the first time since the Christmas St. Lucia disaster so I was explaining to her what happened when all of a sudden I caught sight of something bolting from behind Dr. K's chair in into the corner. It was really unexpected and really fast, so I wasn't quite sure what I saw but I did know two things:

1. It was mammal-ish and significant in size (we're not talking tiny bugs or anything here)

2. I knew it was not my imagination.

So I stopped mid sentence and told her what I saw and went to further investigate. I got back to the corner and discovered that it was a mammoth sized mouse with a really icky long tail. Now, Dr. K is usually very reserved and restrained, but when I told her it was definitely a mouse, she yelped and broke down and said, "I don't know if I can do this, Kara...." I almost laughed - this couldn't have been better if it was planned! To know a therapist's weakness is always a prize to be found, though often illusive. Now I don't know what I'm going to do now with this information, but I'm sure knowing that your therapist is mouse-a-phobic may come in handy one day.... maybe? maybe?

Thank goodness I was just talking about American Airlines being douchebags and not the inner workings of my mangled heart when the third party arrived - confidentiality was definitely breached. Red Alert!

Final Question: How the hezzel did a mouse get up to the 13th floor of an office building????

Stay tuned for a post about my sucktastic New Year's weekend, if anything else, it will boost your self-esteem.

My Christmas "Vacation"

2009-12-28T11:48:00.004-05:00

I was really looking forward to to my holiday break this year. I NEEDED a break. I was only able to take four days off work, but I was definitely looking forward to some much needed ME time. That's when I found out that my family booked us tickets to St. Lucia. Sounds good right? Exotic, tropical island in the middle of nowhere, relaxing on the beach, swimming with the dolphins (actually that concept really freaked me out, but anyway it still sounds like paradise)... Part of me was excited to go, but I huge part of me didn't want to go because tropical island + bathing suit + ED = Absolute t-e-r-r-o-r. Plus I would have much rather use my vacation time to relax, do nothing, sleep and watch trashy TV.

Well, I didn't do ANY of those things. Here's now my break really went down:

- Never making it to St. Lucia because American Airlines SUCKS - instead spending two days stuck in the Miami airport until we then decided to just go home. (Note: so that's TWO days of my vacation wasted in an airport).

- Returning home and finding the furnace in my house broken so it was below 35 degrees in there so I had to stay at my parent's house - so much for Me time, sigh.

- My bro hogging the TV to watch endless sports anaylsis shows, and even if I could watch TV, only lame Christmas movies where playing.

- No sleeping in for me - not allowed at my parent's house (along with hooded sweatshirts - don't ask).

- On the last day of my break having to endure a 3 hour party that turned into a 5 hour party, not getting back to my own house until after 11pm (furance is fixed though so yay!), having to unpack and then wake up and go to work early this morning.

My only saving grace is that I only have to go into the office three days this week. Downside: I have 23 hours of after hours work this week - including 6pm-midnight on New Years' Eve. Le Sigh.

I just can't win.

The Blame Game

2009-12-14T12:04:00.003-05:00

I've decided that my job is at least partly to blame for me not blogging as much. I work 8-9 hours a day, which for a lot of people is normal, but it is ultra taxing on me. I feel like because of my depression and ED, I'm carrying a giant backpack of rocks while I'm trying to do my job. I know that sounds like I'm making excuses, but as many of you know, it's really hard to go to get out of bed, much less go to work when you are depressed. I love aspects of my job, like engaging with the teenagers, but I hate the other stuff - paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. I swear non-profits funded by the government and other grants are required to have an ABSURD amount of paperwork and documentation. Anyway, so my job is partly to blame for me not blogging because when I get home I don't want to do anything (I'm just not unpacked and I moved into the house a month ago!). I just want to sit in front of the TV and zone out. I don't even watch my favorite TV shows anymore (House, SVU, Desperate Housewives) because they take too much concentration. Instead I turn to TLC and E! - the no brainer networks (not to say that they don't have quality viewing - yay for Chelsea Handler!).

Other news:

- Having Thursdays off was supposed to end last week (and I've been scared shitless about it), but I think it's going to continue indefinitely. But I'm having a meeting with my boss about it tomorrow.

- I'm going to start seeing a dietitian again - but a different one. I'm going to try doing exchanges. I've never tried this approach before so I hope it works - because I'm a touch out of control and tres sporadic.

Alright, I need your support to help get my blog going again! It really is therapeutic for me and I love your comments and your support. Consider me in the blogosphere once again!

Up

2009-12-04T10:58:00.003-05:00

Because I can't quite handle the pressure of my job, my boss has given me Thursdays off for a month. Yeserday was my third Thursday off, so I only have one more before I have to go back to work full-time. I'm scared.

Here is how I spent my off day yesterday:

1:00pm - get out of bed.

1:15pm - Spent FOUR hours watching TV including, but not exclusively "My Fair Wedding" (yay TLC) and "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant (I think I'm addicted to the show in a oh-my-hell-if-I-get-preggers-right-now-I-will-shoot-myself sort of way - fear glues my eyes to the TV screen, I try to pull away, but I can't). Tres addicting.

5:30pm - I manage to get my out of the house, but only because my roomie needed a ride to the metro and I was the only one home. This was a good thing because then I want to the pharmacy to pick up an oh so important prescription. Although, I refused to put on a bra for the trip.

6:30pm - plop down in front of the TV and didn't get up for almost FIVE more hours. This time I watched serious trash TV - The Real Housewives of Orange County - yikes, I know. I did end my day with Chelsea Lately, one of my favorite shows, but she and the other comedians were a little too raunchy so I only watched half the show. :(

11:20pm - go to bed.

Even though all I wanted to do was to do nothing all day, it was a very unsatisfying day - it went by way too fast. As I lied down in bed last night, I thought to myself, at least tomorrow is Friday...

Today (Friday): BAD DAY FROM THE GET-GO:

- I waited in a really looooooong line at Starbucks only to get up to the front and realize that they didn't have bananas to make my smoothie. I went away empty handed.

- On the way from Starbucks back to my office, carrying two over sized bags, I totally biffed it in the middle of the street. This was a full on biff - I was down for the count. My bags went flying and the whole right side of my body hurts.

As Shawnia Twain says, "you can only go up from here." I hope she is right.

Stitch up my Damn Leg!

2009-11-24T16:17:00.003-05:00

I've erased several blog post attempts and I'm still not sure what I want to say. I feel so different now. There has been so much pain and sadness and lonliness and anger, that I haven't gotten any gems of wisdom from Dr. K. We have just been processing (whatever the hell that means) my feelings. So when thinking of topics to write about, talking about what I learn from my sessions with Dr. K is out. The rest of my life is comprised mostly of hauling my ass to work, crying at my desk all morning, going out to schools, coming home from work and going to sleep. I am isolating from everyone - my real-life friends, my online friends, and my blogger friends. It's just that everything seems so H-A-R-D. You know that feeling where it takes all your energy just to do one simple thing - I feel like that's every minute of my life right now. I'm on the lowest maintenance phase, doing as little as I have to to get by. It's a big success when I shower. My family and I are going to St. Lucia for Christmas, but I'm not even excited. Sigh.

I have therapy in an hour and I don't know what to talk about. Yeah, I'm sure that it's beneficial to feel my feelings (shiver, shiver) and process them with her - but that's NOT helping in the short-term. Maybe years down the road I will reap the benefits of feeling my feelings, but right now I need a help. SOS, dude! It's like I have a gaping wound and the doctor is refusing to stitch it up. At least stitch it up halfway, man! I'm dying here. Something needs to change so that I can function better. Hopefully I'll have some ideas from Dr. K today.

Off to therapy. Then I'm going home to watch TV and sleep. That's all I do these days.

Slump dee Dump

2009-11-12T12:52:00.003-05:00

Dearest readers, I'm sure by now you have all noticed that I'm in a blogging slump. I think I can attribute it to several things:

- This full-time job is KICKING MY ASS

- Currently moving is stressing me out (yesterday and today I have off work and I have not lifted a finger to finish moving my stuff, yesterday I slept all day instead and today it's 1pm and I still haven't done anything so now half my stuff is in my new place and half in my old place). Damn moving, damn damn damn.

- Therapy has been really hard lately. I've been angry at Dr. K many times over the past two months and it's really been affecting me and bringing up deeper issues that frankly I don't want to deal with.

So please hang in there with me peeps, hopefully I'll be back on track soon.

You Can Stop Holding Your Breath Waiting for Another Post

2009-11-08T20:07:00.003-05:00

Sorry, I haven't blogged in a while. I know that I'm so riveting that you all have been waiting with betted breath for another post in the saga of my life. Ha ha. I haven't blogged in exactly one week. That's an unusually long time for me. I've been pretty stressed out this week because last Sunday I found out that I needed to move out of my apartment and into the Volunteer Corps. House (it's clearly A LOT more complicated than that, but I'll spare you the gory details). I started moving today and I'm about half way done. I have all my furniture moved in courtesy of C, the neighborly lawn man, but now I have all that crap to go through where you don't know what to do with it yet you just can't bring yourself to get rid of it. Why is it that every time I move I realize how much stuff I really have?! I just accumulate and accumulate - like a vacuum sucking up stuff from very major retailer in the area.

I know this move will be good for me (at least that's what I keep telling myself over and over in my head seeing as it wasn't totally my choice). The rent is 1/6 of the cost of the rent at my old apartment (major brownie points!) and it's closer to work (but now involves a bus ride and a train ride, yuck). I'm going to miss my roommate though and I'm going to miss only living with one person opposed to the four I'm moving in with. But I know these girls and I like them. They are the ones doing the Volunteer Corps. program with me (although they work at other agencies in the area, not the rape crisis center). I won't miss having to deal with an obnoxiously unreachable and clueless/malicious (I know, weird combo, but I have living proof) landlord. The move really is a no-brainer, but me no likey change and transitions.

So needless to say I've been stressed to the MAX. Everything is stressing me out lately. Moving is stressing me out. Work is stressing me out. Therapy is stressing me out. Hell, even showering is stressing me out. Everything is stressing me out. This week I have Wednesday and Thursday off from work and I wish I could tell you that I'll finally have time to relax, but I won't - because I'm still in the process of moving. I'm not one of those haul-ass-get-it-all-done-in-one-day sort of person. I like to drag it out over a week or so - which ultimately makes it harder because then I'm stressed for that much longer. But hey, it's the way I work.

Off to watch Desperate Housewives with my old roomie - damn her for getting me hooked on this show!

PS

2009-11-01T15:03:00.002-05:00

You know those thigh-high hooker boots I wore when I was hauling ass up a million flights of stairs to my T appointment on Tuesday? Well, guess what? On my right boot, the seam that goes all the way across the boot totally ripped open a day later. Damn - those were practically new boots! But I guess the stair-sprint was too much for them.

Moral of the story:

Don't wear thigh-high hooker boots (even if they are cute) to therapy. Hmph.

Worst Therapy Experience EVER

2009-10-29T12:00:00.003-04:00

On Tuesday, I had an appointment with Dr. K at 5:45pm. Usually I go straight from work to my evening appointments, but on Tuesday I got to leave work early. I got home and was exhausted so I decided to take a power nap before my appointment. I set two alarms - because I'm always paranoid about oversleeping. Well, lo and behold I wake up and it's 5:55pm - ten minutes after my appointment! I scream a big silent eek! and race out the door. I make it in good time, but when I get to her building it's after 6pm. After 6pm none of the elevators will go up without a key card. I frantically look around for the security guard to let me up, but he is no where to be found. People are streaming out of the elevators (6pm - work is over) and I asked about 15 different people if they had a key card to swipe me into the elevator. Finally one lady had one, but her security clearance only went up to the 5th floor. Um, problem, Dr. K is on the freaking 13th floor! So I decided to ride up to the 5th floor and then run up the stairs (in my thigh high hooker boots no less) to the 13th floor. By the time I get to the top, my legs were so noodly and wobbly I can barely make it down the hall to Dr. K's office without collapsing.

By the time I get there, I only have 15 friggin' minutes left in our appointment. I was hoping she would stay later since this was her last appointment of the day, but NOPE, she gave me 15 minutes to the T. I was beyond frustrated that 1) I overslept, 2) I couldn't find the effing security guard and 3) I had to haul ass up a bizillon flights of stairs - all for what? 15 lousy minutes.

It gets better. I told Dr. K as I was leaving that I had secretly hoped that she would let me stay longer. Her response: that she was tired and needed to eat dinner. WTF?

Unlovable

2009-10-27T01:17:00.003-04:00

It's after 1am here and I can't sleep. Well, let me rephrase - I went to bed at 9pm because I didn't feel well, but here I am a mere few hours later, wide awake. I should know better - whenever I take my meds early, it always screws up my sleep.

I saw Dr. K yesterday and we were talking about how I don't let in love and support. It's like I can't feel it, I put up a wall and everything bounces off. Even though intellectually I know that my therapist, family, and friends care about me, I can't feel it. I feel unlovable. I was on the train yesterday after my sesh and I had a re-realization (don't you love those?). I think a huge part of why I don't feel cared about and lovable is because I'm FAT. No one can love me at this size. At least, that is what ED is telling me. I feel like I don't deserve to be cared about. I feel like people are disgusted by my size and therefore can't care about me. This is a big hurdle I need to get over.

Anyone know what I'm talking about?

It's Time for an Update

2009-10-22T10:25:00.003-04:00

Sorry to leave you all hanging since Saturday. It has been a crazy week of feeling like brain matter being spewed all over the place. Good news: I'm not fired!!!! But not so fast, I still don't think I can handle my job full-time. I love it, but it's just too much for me. The job is inherently stressful, but with all my overwhelming emotional suckage I feel like I'm trying to do it with a bunch of rocks in my backpack weighing me down. Ideally I want to go part time, but my boss has told me that that's impossible. At the much anticipated meeting on Tuesday, I learned that the only option is to go to 4 days a week for 30 days and after those 30 days are up I either have to go back to full-time or quit. The major catch being that those 30 days of part-time aren't going to start until they find someone to cover my other clubs - which could be weeks. I need relief NOW, not 3 weeks from now. So, not exactly ideal. Sigh. Hopefully I can make it going full-time until the 4 days a week can start. I really do love my job, I just wish I wouldn't have crying fits at my desk and panic attacks on the bus. I need some coping skills - rephrase: I need to use my coping skills. In the moment though it's soooooo hard, I just give into the overwhelming cacophony of pain, depression, anxiety, and sadness.

Enough about my job.

Oh yeah, and before I go.....

I found out I got into my number one grad school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Catholic University MSW program starting Fall 2010, baby! Woot Woot! (I guess baraging them with phone calls every week to know the status of my application paid off, hehe.)

Bad Day

2009-10-17T01:26:00.004-04:00

Reasons why today sucked:

1. It was really rainy and cold and I left my umbrella at home, even knowing I'd be traipsing all over the city.

2. The train was late and slooooow so I had to haul ass to get the bus. (I hate buses, they make me motion sick, so the fact that I even had to get on a bus TWICE today sucked).

3. My letter from Catholic University was supposed to come this week - it's Friday already - so it obviously didn't come. I just need to know if I got in!!!!

4. My boss is seeing me stressing out at work and is worrying I'm not going to be able to handle this job (personal life leaking into professional life, not good) and we had "a talk." It involved mucho crying from me.

And last but definitely not least...

5. I found out today that I might be fired on Tuesday.

Yeah, it was a bad day.

29 Days

2009-10-14T17:20:00.002-04:00

Almost like the Sandra Bullock movie "28 Days," but just one day off. 29 is the number of days I've worked consistently in a row at my job before taking a "mental health day." I almost folded at 27 days, but I made it until today. I did get my sorry ass out of bed this morning to go to work - I had good intentions. Got ready in 17 minutes flat. I got on the train. Went to Starbucks. Showed up at work. Starred at my computer monitor for about an hour. Ran an errand for my boss. Then it was time to go to the clubs (my job is to run girls clubs at middle and high schools, more on that later) and I just couldn't make myself do it. So I left. Yes, I did tell my boss and tie up loose ends with the clubs, but I basically just left. Which is a big deal, because if I'm not there, the clubs don't happen.

It's a bittersweet day for me because on the one hand, I made it a whole 29 days before ditching work (which is a MAJOR record for me!). However, on the other hand, this is a job that I can't afford to miss days because people are actually depending on me. I have multiple clubs a day and I really can't afford to miss any days at work. And now that I've opened the door to leaving work, I don't want it to become a pattern. Well, let me rephrase, I do want it to be a pattern because I just can't handle my life sometimes (wouldn't it be nice to take days off whenever you wanted???), but it CAN'T become a habit.

When I talked to my boss about leaving she was very abrupt with me and has since ignored my text, so I'm not looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. Oh, the wrath....

Sleep is the Best Remedy

2009-10-10T20:25:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was a bullshit day. It was so bad that I didn't think it was worth it anymore. But today has been a little better. Here's why:

Sleep until 11am
Got up, moved to the couch in the living room and went back to sleep until 2pm
My Dad arrived at 2pm and I forced myself to shower to prepare to go to a movie
3:00pm: Instead of the movie I decide to nap again until 5pm
5pm: Went to dinner and Target
7:30pm: Got home and I'm ready for another nap.

There's nothing like sleeping away your problems!! (And a trip to Target helps too!)

[Edit: It's 10:30pm, I just woke up from a nap and now I'm going to bed! Goodnight!]

Alone

2009-10-09T09:17:00.002-04:00

I've been kind of at a loss as what to write on my blog lately. I've been having a REALLY hard time - which doesn't even explain the half of it. I've had a lot of anger building inside of me - towards myself and towards my therapist. I doubt I'm really mad at my T, but I'm probably just projecting it onto her. I know I need help, serious help, but I feel so alone and like no one can help me but myself. And I don't/can't help myself right now. Dr. K wants me to sit through my feelings. She is trying to convince me that sitting through my feelings is the only way to truly heal. I'm not convinced. I fight them, I scream and kick and yell at my feelings. I don't want to feel them at all much less sit through them. My feelings of pain, hurt, anger, hate are so overwhelming to me I don't know how to deal with them. And in those moments of agony, nothing seems to help. I'm at a loss of what to do. I try calling Dr. K, but that doesn't work. I desperately want to be comforted and soothed, but in those moments I feel inconsolable. I feel like if Dr. K knew how hard, intense, and unbearable my feelings were she wouldn't want me to sit through them. How can I sit through so much pain that I'm hyperventilating, bawling, and rocking back and forth?? That doesn't seem like normal-sit-through kind of feelings to me. I feel so alone in my struggle. Can anyone relate? Advice?

8 Days!

2009-10-06T16:29:00.001-04:00

Binge-free for 8 days, baby!!! And still going strong! Please send prayers and good vibes my way that I can keep this up.

Success and Failure: Why I'm Never Calling Dr. K Again

2009-10-04T14:19:00.003-04:00

I just got back from a weekend retreat with the rest of the Volunteer Corps and the church that sponsors us. I would have much rather had a nice, quiet weekend at home with my book and computer, but instead I was obligated to spend the weekend with over 120 people - including young, screaming kids, obnoxious teenagers, and nutty adults. Needless to say, my social anxiety was NOT looking forward to this. Although, after the fact, I'll have to say that it wasn't as horrible as expected. I loved spending time with the 4 other girls on the Volunteer Corps and I got to spend some good "Dr. K required" one-on-one time with J, the Volunteer Corps Coordinator. Dr. K wanted me to find someone besides herself that I could talk to (you know, "broaden the safety net" and blah blah blah). So I decided to choose J, because she is required to keep things confidential (she is a minister) and she is relatable and approachable (she is 27). I was really nervous about talking to J and telling her about all the shiz that is going on with me, but the conversation went really well. So that was the success of the retreat.

Now comes the failure of the retreat. Last night I had another panic attack/meltdown. I had felt out of control with my eating that day because there was always all this junk food and snack food around. On top of that, I was comparing my fat ass to the Volunteer Corps' girls skinny figures and I felt huge, disgusting, and gross. So much self hatred. I had all these horrible thoughts of hurting myself and I felt so lost because I didn't have access to any of my typical coping skills (no computer to e-mail Dr. K, or chat with JB, or blog; no TV to distract....)

That's when I decided to call Dr. K at 11pm (Praise the high heavens we had cell phone service!). I was hoping that she could help me feel better. You can assume that the call didn't go well because I've decided that I'm never calling her ever again when I'm in crisis because it's just plain NOT HELPFUL. I desperately want it to be helpful. I crave to be soothed and comforted. But this whole over the phone thing, doesn't work for me. I can't articulate my thoughts and feelings very well over the phone and I feel like Dr. K doesn't ever really know what to say. This has been a general pattern with our calls and the one last night was the straw that broke the camel's back. I even told her on the phone last night that I was getting angry at her because she wasn't helping me, but all she said was something to the extent of "I wish I had the right thing to say..." Um, you are a freaking therapist - isn't this why I'm paying you????? So you can say the right thing to help me?! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. After the phone call I felt exponentially worse so I have concluded that I will never call Dr. K again. I'll e-mail her. But I'm NEVER going to call her in crisis again - it just makes matters worse.

Cure for Bingeing!

2009-09-30T12:09:00.004-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen - I have found the cure to bingeing!!!! I am serious folks. Last night I had an incredible urge to binge and do you know what saved the day??

Wait for it, wait for it......

America's Funniest Home Videos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a miracle. It took the urge away. I watched AFV for two hours and I was cured. I think all the laughing helped. Now I need to find it on Netflix and watch it religiously.

I'm cured!!!!! Three days down, baby!

Congratulations to Me!

2009-09-29T10:18:00.001-04:00

Two Days down without B/Ping!!!!!

I know it sounds kinda ridiculous that I'm celebrating a mere 48 hours, but this is huge for me. I hope I can keep it up.

Sit Through Your Feelings #%@$@!!!!!

2009-09-28T06:59:00.007-04:00

I hate it when therapists tell you that the feelings will pass. Even though I know that its true, it still annoys the crap out of me because in the midst of all the pain and agony it feels like it's going to be that way forever. It seems like I should appreciate the reminder that "all things shall pass" but for some reason it just makes me feel worse at the time. Maybe it feels bad because in that moment I can't believe my therapist when she says that.

Even worse than "you won't feel like this forever" (insert: pain, agony, depression, loneliness, shame, whatever your emotion of choice is) is "you just need to sit through the feelings." WTF??!! That's the last thing I want to do. I can't sit through my feelings. Maybe I better rephrase with a more honesty: I won't sit through my feelings. When I have overwhelming emotions I panic and feel like I need to do something to stop the pain right away. The best things that work: the self-destructive things of course. But then there is kick-back because then the negative behaviors make you feel worse later. It's this terrible cycle. Right now, the only thing that can numb the pain is B/Ping. But (could be triggering) I am gaining mucho weight and I am NOT happy about that. In turn it is making me feel exponentially worse for the rest of the time. So it comes down to:

1. B/P and stop the horrific feelings in the moment.

2. Sit through the feelings without B/Ping and feel better the rest of the time.

The choice seems easy, right? Duh, number 2. But when I'm having hard emotions, the urge to binge is out-of-this-world strong. It's like I'm physically and mentally addicted to bingeing. I liken it to trying to stop smoking. Bingeing is addiction. The last few years it's been my drug of choice.

I'm giving myself a big pat on the back though because last night I made it through the agony of my feelings without bingeing for the first time in a looooooong time. Granted, I did call Dr. K sobbing at 11pm. I never truly felt any better, I just cried myself to sleep. And now this morning, the feelings have passed (ok, yes, I will admit it, hmph), but what about tonight? I go through the same thing every night. Will the cycle of pain ever stop? I don't even know what the hell the pain is about. Stupid emotions.

3 Days in a Row And Still No Insight

2009-09-25T14:55:00.007-04:00

I saw Dr. K again today. Wow - three days in a row. I haven't done that since high school. Ha. I don't really know what to say. But here's what I know:

- I love my job.
- I love my co-workers.
- I love being a part of the Volunteer Corps.
- I love that I have my MSW application in.
- I'm going to work.
- I am hanging out with friends.
- I'm taking my medication.

Life should be great, right? Not so much. So what's the effing problem??????? There must be one...

Because for the past week I've felt like twelve dump trucks are pouring all their sh-t on me. I'm drowning in pain and anguish. I'm on the verge of tears every moment. I feel like I'm barely holding things together. I'm going to self-destruct.

I don't know what's causing my gigantic meltdown, but it needs to stop melting ASAP, because I can't take much more of this. What's going on?? Help!! SOS!

Change of Pace

2009-09-24T11:39:00.004-04:00

I'm seeing Dr. K again today, but I don't feel like talking about her right now. Instead, I'm going to share some good news:

My application to the MSW program at Catholic University was officially received in its entirety yesterday. (Yes, I've been madly checking the website every 10 minutes since Friday to see if they have received it.) That means I'll find out in 2-3 weeks from yesterday whether I have been accepted into the program. I'm really glad that the application is finally done. But I'm scared shitless about whether I'm going to get in. I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally want to get in. Really, really, really. Did I mention - really? I have put all my eggs in one basket and I'm really hoping that this is going to work out. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but they already kind of are - damn it. Good things like getting into my number 1 graduate program don't happen to me. Despite this knowledge and forewarnage (is that a word?), I will be CRUSHED if I don't get in. Absolutely CRUSHED.

So everyone send prayers and good vibes my way and Catholic University's way so I'm not CRUSHED - because trust me, that won't be pretty.

Dr. K returns!

2009-09-23T09:58:00.003-04:00

There was a cancellation and I'm going to see Dr. K today instead of having to wait until tomorrow. Yay!!! I still hope I can express my anger towards her - but right now I'm just excited to see her!

Life's a bitch, but there is always hope.

Chains, Nunchuks, and Dead Kitties

2009-09-22T14:05:00.003-04:00

I'm irrationally livid with Dr. K. As the days go by my anger towards her is growing into a bigger and bigger massive ball of chains, nunchuks, and dead kitties. I can honestly say that I hate her right now. But it's complicated because underneath the hate, I need her - badly. But I'm not willing to recognize "the need" right now, I'm perfectly content with being ultra pissy. I haven't had very much to do at work lately, so I fume more and more as the day(s) go on about Dr. K. I have lots of time to ruminate. She was/is gone for soooooooooooooooooooo long (16 days!). I'm finally going to see her on Thursday after work and I feel like our relationship of trust has been broken. She is going to have to grovel to get it back - but therapists don't grovel - that's the problem with therapists, you need them much more than they need you so they hold the power in the relationship. Dr. K has told me numerous times that she cares about me and that I'm important in her life - I just can't internalize it. I know you all are probably going to think I'm psycho for being so upset with my therapist over a little vacation - but it feels so much more to me than that. Okay, I'm starting to cry at work - very not cool - so I'm going to end this post.

Thank you, Dr. Brain

2009-09-19T10:59:00.005-04:00

So I had a major meltdown at 2am last night. It's like the whole day was working up towards this breakdown. I was having a hard time at work and when I got home (see last post) and then it just kept getting worse and worse. At 2am (I obviously couldn't sleep) I started hyperventilating and having a panic attack. I didn't know what to do because usually I would call Dr. K, but she is out of town. She didn't mention to me that anyone was covering for her - and why would I want to talk to a strange on-call psychiatrist that I'd never met anyway? (Especally with my phone phobia.) But that's what it came down to folks. I had to talk to someone. To get some sort of help. I was really freaking out. So I gathered up all my gumption and called the answering service and asked to speak to the doctor on call for Dr K. His name was Dr. Brain (not funny at the time, but definitely in retrospect). I immediately got the vibe that he was the typical psychiatrist where appointments were comprised of a session of questions for 15 minutes and then you were booted out the door. He was very abrupt and I was a little intimidated by him. I was kind of surprised that he didn't want to talk things out, but I quickly realized that that wasn't his style. He told me I should take some more Klonopin and then ended the call. So I did take some more Klonopin (yay for drugs!) and it did help calm me down and help me get to sleep.

So thank you Dr. Brain (can you believe that's really his name??? Hee hee) for saving the day, despite your typical psychiatrist detachment attitude.

Rant/Word Vomit

2009-09-18T12:39:00.004-04:00

I'm really angry at Dr. K right now and I need to vent. So bear with me. First of all, she is in effing Hawaii on vacation. The last time I saw her was on September 8th (the day I started my new job) and I'm still not going to see her until the 24th - looooooooooong time. (And she said she was only going to be gone 10 days - 10 days my ass!) I'm pissed at her for being gone - especially while I've been starting a new job. She said that we could e-mail while she was gone if she had wireless at her hotel, but she hasn't e-mailed me once. And what hotels these days don't have wireless or at least some computers with the internet in the lobby? Come on, it's the 21st century! So either she can't e-mail me or she won't e-mail me and either way, even if it's not her fault, I'm mad at her. I'm really doubting that she doesn't have internet - what if she decided that she just didn't want to bother with work e-mails while she was on vacation and broke her promise? Ugh. I'm mad. Mad mad mad. Even if it's not her fault, I'm mad. So I'm sitting in my office, about to burst into tears because of how FAT I am and all I want to do is e-mail Dr. K, but there is no point because she can't/won't respond (I've already tried e-mailing her and no response). Okay, I just have to hang in there until next Thursday when I see her... Ugh, I'm so fat though. What would really make me happy is if I could lose XX pounds and get into Catholic University.

Thanks for listening. I should probably get back to work... or at least get back to looking like I'm working...

Thought of the Day

2009-09-16T11:03:00.003-04:00

"Don't necessarily believe everything you think."

Very profound, eh? Definitely applies to us with EDs.

The Five REAL Stages of Recovery - Therapists Not Allowed

2009-09-14T22:33:00.002-04:00

My friend wrote this and it's the realistic stages of recovery and not the therapisty-fluffy textbook steps of recovery. Only one who has been though an ED could know this. It's brilliant. Here it is:

The Five Stages of Recovery

By E G L

Denial:

Me, get better?

Recovery's not for me

Won't do it, don't need it

This isn't my body

Anger:

How could you do this to me?

Gain all this weight---don't you see?

How huge I've gotten in this so called "recovery?"

Fuck this--I'm gonna do my own thing

Will not accept this pain

Don't give a shit if it's selfish

I don't have a thing to gain

In going your way

No--Ed and I are having our say

Bargaining:

Ok, ok, you win

I give up, I give in

I'll lose just a LITTLE weight

Cuz these voices won't abate

Just have a few pounds to lose

Won't you give me this,

allow me to prove--

That I can have a little

here and there

Life and death, a line laid

bare?

Depression:

Oh, I don't care

Don't even dare

To try

I'll just retire to my lair

And merely cry and cry

Acceptance:

This might be the only way

For me to find some grace today

I may be in denial,

depressed or pissed

But I won't give in;

I will not miss

Out on a life of

laughter and love

I want the world to see what

I'm made of.

Shocker of the Century

2009-09-14T11:53:00.007-04:00

Guess what??!! Yesterday a guy asked for my number!!!! That has N-E-V-E-R happened to me in my whole life - all 25 years of existence! I know him from church so he's not some creepo. I've always been ignored by the opposite sex (or maybe I ignore the opposite sex?...). I'm definitely not ready to date or anything (I've always considered myself undateable), but the fact that a guy asked for my number made me all butterflyish. He's kinda cute too..... Aaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lithium vs. New Job - You Decide.

2009-09-13T17:45:00.005-04:00

I found this leaf on the ground today - a perfectly shaped heart. It kind of represents how I've been feeling lately. My heart is full. Full of love, compassion, excitement, normalcy, hope and.... Lithium.

Is it the Lithium or my new rockin' job that is making me feel better?

I don't know.

But deep down there is this scariness about it all. I'm like, things are going so well - what the heck is wrong? When will this come crashing down on me? It's like things are too good to be true...

Morning Stupidity

2009-09-10T12:01:00.004-04:00

I was really stressed rushing to the metro this morning to get to work. I realized that I didn't have enough money on my Smart Trip card so I begrudgingly had to stop at the pay stations to put more money on my card. $3.25 to get to work every morning - that's almost $7 roundtrip a day!! Can we say Ripoff with a capital R?! To put money on your card you have to swipe your card in the beginning of your transaction and at the end of your transaction. I tried to get through this process as quickly as possible:

1. Swipe Smart Trip card
2. Enter in amont
3. Insert debit card
4. Enter PIN
5. Swipe Smart Trip card again to close the transaction -- um, hello, I said swipe Smart Trip card.... swipe, swipe, swipe - nothing was happening! I was freaking out because the train was coming and my card wasn't swiping. I frantically turned around for help and found a Metro employee and I told them that my card wasn't swiping. I'm sure she heard the panic in my voice.

Her response:

"Um, miss, that is your Starbucks card."

Ha.

First Day on the Job - Check!

2009-09-08T20:58:00.004-04:00

I was a mess all morning. I woke up at 4am and couldn't sleep. I tried on 7 different outfits. I blow dried my hair into a tangly mess. I almost ralphed on the Metro. I barely had time to stop at Starbucks on the way to work since I forgot to eat breakfast in my morning rush. Basically, I was a stress basket all morning. But at 9:47am when I walked into my new office.... everything fell into place.

I LOVE MY JOB!!!!!

It's not going to be easy, but I loooooooove my boss and co-workers and that's what's going to pull me through - I just know it.

I'm dying of exhaustion. I feel like I just ran a marathon.

More later when I'm more coherent.

New Job - the 12 Hour Countdown

2009-09-07T21:12:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is my first day of work!!!! I'm scared sh-tless, but I'm buffered by therapy appointments on either side of the work day. One appointment at 8:30am and one at 6:30pm. I've been living in sweats and jeans for the last year - I'm going to have to start getting used to work clothes (which is always horrible for my body image, dressing up = feeling 20 pounds larger). But, alas, I have my outfit all picked out for tomorrow - black slacks, ballet flats, blue shirt, off-white scarf. Alarm clock set. Ready to go. Wish me luck!

Please pray/send good vibes/cross your fingers that it will turn out that I can wear jeans to work and that like my job.

Thanks.

Gotta rest up. Goodnight.

Faked A Migraine For You

2009-09-05T19:26:00.004-04:00

So I met everyone that is in the Volunteer Corps on Thursday and I'm proud to announce [enter sarcasm here] that I am definitely the FATTEST one. For reals. Ugh. Not only am I the fattest one, I'm the oldest one - the other four girls that make up the Corps. are all 22. I'm so glad I'm not living in the Volunteer House with them. The house is small and stuffy and I can tell already that the girls aren't very clean. I know it sounds like I'm totally bashing them, but they seem like nice girls.

I'm a bad girl though [insert horns here]. I am currently, as we speak, skipping orientation. Orientation has been going on since Thursday night and all day Friday and Saturday, and then continues on Sunday and Monday. I was supposed to go over to the Volunteer House for a orientation meeting on safety this evening and then have dinner with the Board of the church, but I faked sick and I've been having a wonderful evening with my roommate, R, instead. We've been watching House Season Five marathon style. The orientation was just getting too stressful and most of it doesn't even apply to me because I don't live in the house - I just needed a break. I think Dr. K would approve. Although I don't know if she would approve of me faking a migraine to accomplish that, hehe.

Well, I start my internship at the rape crisis center on Tuesday - and then I will start orientation for that. Which hopefully won't nearly be as long as the Volunteer Corps orientation. I have to see if the crisis center will let me come in a little late twice a week so I can see Dr. K two mornings a week. I'll just die if we can't work something out. I'm seeing her one more time on Tuesday evening (so I can tell her about my job) and then she goes on vacay and I won't see her until September 25 -- eeek!

Peace Out

2009-09-03T23:32:00.004-04:00

I H-A-T-E feelings!!!!!! I don't know when or if ever I'll be able to feel emotions normally, without them being amplified and overwhelming. Will emotions like anxiety and sadness always incapacitate me or will I one day be able to manage my emotions?

I've been having a lot of overwhelming feelings lately - mainly anxiety and panic (come on Klonopin, do your effing job already!) because of my internship starting on Tuesday. To combat these feelings, I have made a pact with myself to lose XX pounds. I'm beginning to realize that losing weight is my "go-to solution" to anything that is scary or unmanageable. But deciding to lose weight, even though it is a distraction, ultimately exacerbates the original overwhelming feelings.

FEELINGS CAN SUCK IT. I'm done with them. Done. Absolutely done. Peace out.

Disabled (by Fear???)

2009-09-02T00:35:00.008-04:00

So today was my last day at my current job, working with C, the woman with developmental disabilities. I'm sad, but the plan is to still take her out to lunch every once and a while. So it's not goodbye forever. She was so sweet - she was really sad that it was my last day and said that I was the best helper she'd ever had (that's what she calls me, her "helper"). One week from today I'll be starting my FULL TIME (eeeek!) internship for the rape crisis center. I'm pretty nervous (ok, so maybe "panicked" is a better word) about starting - I'm afraid I can't handle it. I haven't worked 40 hours a week in a year!! The last time I worked full-time was my graduating internship in Las Vegas and I Hated it, with a capital H. I dreaded going to work. I'll admit, I faked sick more than a few times. But I can't do that anymore - I have to be responsible. Responsible, responsible, responsible. Yep, that's me!

I was taking a walk with my mom today and she said something that really pissed me off (shocker). We were talking about my upcoming internship and how I am nervous about it. I let it slip (there is a fine line between not enough and too much information for my mom) that I am worried that I won't be able to handle it and she went on a RANT about how I act like I'm disabled. That really struck a nerve with me because in some ways she is partially true, although I don't like to admit it. I mean, life is hard. I have to work harder than my mom knows just to get out of bed, go to my part-time job, not cut, or do anything stupid. My therapist knows that I'm working really hard. It's just hard to prove it when I'm not divulging everything in my head like I do in therapy. But in a way, my mom is right about me "acting disabled." And that's what made me mad - that she was right. I use my depression/ED as an excuse not to try and not to succeed. I hold myself back. I think it's fear. The classic comparison of Faith vs. Fear -- I'm always on the "fear" side. I need more faith in myself. But to do that I need to acknowledge that I'm a good person and I'm a long ways away from that. It's like that book I had to read in treatment - Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway (great title, but only about half the book is good).

So there it is folks, FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY. I could write a whole post on this sentence, but for now I'll spare you and leave it at this.

PS - Did I mention that I found out today that Dr. K is going OUT OF TOWN for the first two weeks of my new internship???? Talk about a blow to the gut. I'm going to be on my own, feeling the fear, and doing it anyway, hopefully sans any meltdowns. Therapists really do go out of town at the most inconvenient times!

Are You Ready To Give Up the Drama???

2009-08-30T00:22:00.005-04:00

I was on Facebook and I found this - the epitome of recovery:

Seeing this quote made me start thinking about all the drama there is in ED treatment centers, then how there is so much drama with EDs in general. There is a lot of drama in my life because of my relationship with ED. Even though it makes me miserable, I kinda thrive on it (does anyone get this??). I don't know if I want to give up all the ups and downs and just have a normal, boring life. Part of me likes being depressed and sad. It's comfortable - the drama is comfortable. I've been making some breakthroughs in therapy with ED though and maybe this will be my next one - Are you ready to give up the drama, Kara?

Nude "Plus Sized" Model Rocks Glamour Magazine

2009-08-28T18:11:00.004-04:00

Nude model in Glamour magazine - big deal right? Happens all the time. Well this time, the model is Lizzi Miller and she has shaken things up. Read here why the public has an outpouring of support for her and why she could be changing the world of modelling:

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32538061/ns/today-today_fashion_and_beauty/

(Warning: contains a photo and some numbers - but it's worth it, in my opinion).

The Deep

2009-08-27T09:19:00.004-04:00

I want to blog. But I don't know if I have anything profound to say. Things have been weird lately. I get these waves of D E E P sadness where I just cry and cry. Dr. K said that is common when people go on anti-anxiety meds (I just started Klonopin). It's exacerbated by the fact that I'm house sitting for my parents while they are gone on vacation so I'm in this big house all by myself.

Last night was especially hard - there were tears and tears and tears. I needed to be comforted so badly so I wanted to call my therapist. But I decided not to because I didn't deem wanting to be comforted as a good enough reason to call. I have issues with calling my therapist. I am very selective about when I call her, partially because I hate the phone, partially because I don't want to bother her after hours, and partially (maybe mostly) I don't want to be that needy patient who calls all the time.

Instead of calling my T, I decided that I needed to get out of the big lonely house. Even though it was late, I went to Border's to look around (and got some awesome porcelain coasters on sale for $1.06 by the way) and then I went to a movie. I saw District 9 and it was a pretty good distraction, but as soon as it was over I started crying again. This is more than I've cried in my entire life! I'm not a big crier.

Well, that's all for now folks. I've been up all night (yay insomnia!) so I'm going to take a quick nap before work.

Honest Scrap

2009-08-25T05:03:00.010-04:00

It's now 5am and I haven't been able to sleep for a couple of hours. I've been tagged, so I'm going to do the Honest Scrap. Yay for having honest blogs! Here are the rules:

1. Brag about it.

2. Select 3 other blogs that you find brilliant.

3. Write 10 honest things about yourself.

1. I don't know if I can brag about it because I expect all blogs to be honest. That is the beauty of the blogging world - it seems like honesty is so much easier here than in the real world. It is/can be a safe(r) place to express thoughts and feelings.

2. All the blogs that I deem brilliant have already been tagged. But I especially find these blogs to be honest:

Just Eat It
Playing with Numbers

Well, those two will suffice. I think there are many other blogs that are brilliant and honest, but those are two that come to mind.

3. Ten Honest Things About Me:

I'm too scared to have a boyfriend, or even try to have a boyfriend. I'm too scared to even go on dates. (Not that anyone has asked me in years anyway.)
I have an obsession with collarbones. They are probably my favorite part of the body. I wish mine were more prominent. (Note: I think people can have great collarbones regardless of body size.)
I luuuuuuurv to go to the grocery store. Instead of going on one big trip once a week, I take little trips throughout the week. One time I went twice in one day and the cashier recognized me and asked if I had already been in that day - awkward!!
I am not not embarrassed to buy tampons. But I am embarrassed to buy junk food (speaking of junk food, I haven't B/Ped in a week! Yay me!).
I never sleep with my feet out from under the end of covers because I'm still secretly afraid that monsters from under the bed will grab my feet and bite off my toes.
I have a phobia of dangly earrings. I have never worn a pair in the 12 years that I've had my ears pierced. Not even just to try them on. I'm terrified that someone will pull them out or they will get caught on something and rip my ear lobes. I ONLY wear studs.
I'm embarrassed to announce that I like books from the juvenile section better than real adult books. I don't appreciate great literature., I just enjoy entertaining books.
I have two younger brothers, but I like one better than the other. But I will never reveal which one.
I have mother issues. I cycle between not wanting to talk to her at all to being too attached to her and calling her 3 times a day.
I never wear just one shirt. I have to wear at least two (like a tight tee shirt under my regular shirt). It's like I feel safer that way.

There you have it folks!

Sad

2009-08-24T15:34:00.002-04:00

I'm sad. The Klonopin is taking all the anxiety away, but is exposing the raw sadness and anguish underneath.

CANCELLED

2009-08-21T08:17:00.003-04:00

I've been waiting to see Dr. K all week. I have soooooo much to talk about. I I don't know if anyone else has felt like this, but I feel like I'm living from session to session. Barely making it through the week. It's a pathetic existence, I know , but that's the way it is. I really need to talk to her today, more than usual - especially because of my dad's comments at the restaurant (read this if you missed it). My appointment is at 11am - or should I say, was at 11am. I knew it was bad news when I got a call from Dr. K's office this morning at 8am - yep, Dr. K is SICK today. Sick??!! Life totally isn't fair. The one day I feel like I need to talk to her more than usual and she is SICK. Ugh, life sucks.

My first thought after hearing this news was to check my e-mail. Maybe Dr. K wrote me a quick e-mail apologizing for not coming in today (she knows how much I needed to talk to her). But of course, silly me for thinking she would e-mail me - no e-mail in the inbox. But what I did see when I opened my Gmail account is probably what I needed to hear, much to my dislike. JB's status is: it call comes down to you. How true is that? Sure, I really needed to see Dr. K today, but I am capable of making it on my own (even though I don't want to, I'd much rather rely on Dr. K).

I'm still upset that I won't be able to see Dr. K today, but after seeing JB's status, I'm not going to binge or cut like I was planning on doing upon hearing the news.

Remember, in the end...

It all comes down to YOU.

[Edit: It's now 6 hours later and I've been crying non-stop since 8am. I don't know why this is affecting me so much. Probably because the cancellation caught me by surprise (she has never cancelled before) and I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. I'm sure it has also triggered some sort of deep-seeded issues with abandonment. Anyway, I decided that I couldn't do it by myself, so I called the office and had Dr. K call me. She just called and I feel a little better now. I think I got all the crying out of my system. Even though it all comes down to you, sometimes you just need a little extra help.]

Sweet Potato Shame

2009-08-19T21:35:00.006-04:00

Despite Dr. K's recommendations to not eat dinner with my family because they are too triggering, I still do it repeatedly. It's hard to say no because then my family gets mad at me. Family dinners are my family's favorite bonding activities - everyone is expected to go.

Tonight was a particularly hard dinner with the fam. Despite my repeated reminders not to talk about what I eat when we're out - my Dad always makes comments.

Picture this:

We ordered sweet potato fries as an appetizer to share. We were all digging in. By this point, I'd probably had about 6 fries and my dad says, "Boy, Kara, you are really stuffing your face!" (Doozy #1) I looked at my dad and said that was the kind of comment I was talking about that I don't like. He then said, "Sorry, it's just that you are eating more than your share of the fries." (Doozy #2). I had only eaten six fries and the logical side of my brain says that that's not pigging out, but the comments still really stung. Not one, but TWO triggering comments - right in a row! I tried to buck up and make it through the rest of dinner, but inside I was dying of shame and embarrassment. I was holding back tears. The shame then triggers self-hate and angry turned inward. At that point all I want to do is cut. It's been a couple of hours since dinner and I'm still drowning in a pool of anguishing shame about how fat and disgusting I am - ED is telling me to cut, but I've decided to blog instead. I should be proud of myself for blogging instead of cutting, but it's hard to internalize progress when I'm feeling so sh-tty. In any case:

Kara: 1 point

ED: Zero

Take that, ED!

No More GRE!!!!

2009-08-18T12:15:00.003-04:00

I have officially decided that I'm NOT going to be taking the GRE again. It is too stressful and causing too many meltdowns. Cancelled test. Cancelled tutoring. Cancelled all the GRE info in my brain.

The world is now a better place.

Gotta go to work. More info later.

Maybe Being Zen Isn't So Bad After All...

2009-08-14T23:00:00.004-04:00

Dr. K told me that if I eat well during the day, I'll have less of an urge to binge at night. She told me that on Tuesday - the same day I said that I was going to try to be nice to my myself, body and spirit. I tried out Dr. K's binge-prevention theory on Wednesday and ate pretty well - breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. It was very zen... Then 9pm rolls around and WTF - I'm still hungry and I still want to binge. My whole mindset changes. It just isn't fair! I did what I was supposed to and yet I still wanted to binge. What gives? But wait - let's try some coping skills - I talked to a friend and went running. But after all that, I still wanted to binge - so I threw up my hands in frustration and went to the store to stock up and come home and eat myself into oblivion. I did everything right that day - eating during the day, positive coping skills at the first sign of a threat - so what went wrong? Screw it. Bye-bye being nice to myself. I vowed to never do any zen sh-t ever again. Gave up - 100%.

I told Dr. K today about my experience trying her "awesome" theory about eating well during the day to prevent bingeing. Her first question to me was, "How many days did you eat well and not restrict before you binged on Wednesday night?" My answer: one, just Wednesday. Dr. K said that one day won't cut it. Apparently it takes the body at least 2 weeks to start accepting the fact that it's getting fed regularly. Like your body won't trust you that it will feed it until you do it consistently so it will feel hungry all the time.

First, it sucks that it'll take at least two weeks to "reset" my body, but the fact that it takes at least two weeks gives me HOPE. On Wednesday, when I ate well during the day and yet still binged at night, I felt like it was hopeless, that I was never going to be able to stop bingeing - but now I know it just takes longer - there is still hope!! I've always thought it would be impossible to stop bingeing, but I'm really going to give this a try. So I'm going to go back to treating myself well... maybe being zen isn't so bad...

Good News

2009-08-11T19:14:00.006-04:00

1. I was assertive with Dr. K today (reeeeeeeeally hard to do) and am finally starting an anti-anxiety med - Klonopin. I'm a bloody mess.

2. I finally decided to postpone the GRE test from um, tomorrow, to September 19th. Phew! 12:30pm baby. I'm going to rock it! (See #3).

3. Starting today I have decided to start actively trying to be nice to myself and treat myself well, body and spirit. It's the new cool thing to do.

4. I'm kicking my social anxiety in the balls and am hosting a Girls' Night at my apartment a week from Saturday - I invited 16 people - eek!

Note: It doesn't seem like as many peeps are reading my blog lately, am I getting boring? :)

Keep Calm and Carry On

2009-08-07T13:52:00.003-04:00

Here is the poster I just got for my room from Etsy. (Only in cute purple.) It's a replica of the famous posters that were posted by the British government in Britain during World War II to remind the people to "keep calm and carry on." It's a great reminder for little Miss Stress Basket here too. Isn't it a great saying?

Miles Apart

2009-08-05T20:22:00.005-04:00

I'm lonely.

I'm always lonely.

I'm lonely all the time - whether I'm watching TV by myself on the couch or having lunch with a friend or surrounded by people. I feel different from other people - like I don't belong. Dr. K and I discussed this today and I discovered that a contributing factor to my loneliness is my obsession with my weight and body. Instead of being 100% engaged with another person, part of me is always thinking about my fatness factor, analyzing how skinny the other person is, wondering if they think I'm fat and disgusting for gaining weight, etc. A good percentage of my brain is stuck in ED and obsessing about my body all the time. I think this is part of the reason why I don't feel as connected to people, why I feel so different. I'm always at least partially in "my own little world," terrorizing myself with self-deprecating ED thoughts. Do you feel lonely even when you are with people? Like you are stuck in your own little world - even if you are standing right next to them, still feeling miles apart...

It's An Adjustment

2009-08-02T20:55:00.004-04:00

"I have adjusted to the darkness. Now I have to adjust to the light."

- Anonymous

This quote is very appropriate for me. I have adjusted to the darkness in my life. I have lowered my expectations and am comfortable to some extent in my misery. I don't actively strive to have a happy, fulfilling life, I am just content to live in the shadows. But with recovery, comes light. Just as your eyes have to adjust to a light flipped on in a room, I have to adjust to the light that is entering my life. It hurts a little at first and you have to squint, but eventually you get used to it and the light makes things more pleasant. But I'm scared of the light. It's new. It's different. I've already adjusted to the dark. It's comfortable. It's safe. It's what I know.

Freak-Out Monster

2009-07-31T22:52:00.003-04:00

Stress is not my friend. It never has been and it never will be. Stress does not make me work harder, it paralyzes me. When I'm too stressed, I get overwhelmed and can't function. I do everything - obsess, calculate, scrutinize, obsess, obsess, obsess - except for taking steps to reduce the stress.

Stress = Kara the Freak-Out Monster

Current Stressor = The Looming GRE Take 2 (August 12)

Instead of studying and attending the second GRE class for the last several weeks, in preparation for the GRE on August 12, I've instead been doing N O T H I N G. Nadda. Haven't cracked a book or wiped the dust off my flashcards. Why? Because Kara the Freak-Out Monster has settled in and I'm p-a-r-a-l-y-z-e-d to the m-a-x. The test is less than two weeks away and I've done - eek - nothing....

...until TODAY!!!!!! The clouds are parting and the sun is just ever so slightly beginning to fight it's way out. What is the cause of this miracle? I signed up for one-on-one tutoring and had my first session this afternoon and - drum roll please - I decided to push back the date of the test. I mean seriously, why am I pressuring myself to take the test on August 12 when I'm clearly not going to be ready. I do want to try to take it before September 8th when I start my internship - but I definitely have room to push the test back a few weeks. I always box myself into a corner like this and get really rigid with my thinking - for example thinking that August 12 is the only day in the entire world that I can take the test. Changing my test day, although probably is not thinking out of the box for most people, is thinking outside of the box and fighting rigidity for me.

Rigidity - Just Say No!

Although the clouds are beginning to cover the sun again and the stress is starting to overtake me once more, I know that it's going to be more managable because:

1. I took action (I actually went to my tutoring session today and cracked open the book).
2. I made a decision (To push back the test date).

Realization Part 1: DECISION + ACTION = EMPOWERMENT

Realization Part 2: EMPOWERMENT decreases STRESS. I need to remember that taking action and doing something productive (even if that means changing the timetable) helps decrease my stress, unlike doing nothing and obessing and frantic nail-biting and hair pulling.

I'm still stressed, but I can now say good-bye to Kara the Freak-Out Monster. Now it's just Mini Me.

WILLPOWER

2009-07-28T17:07:00.003-04:00

This is a postcard that I found at Borders. I "sent" it to myself.

I always thought that it took a lot of willpower and self control to have an ED, but I finally believe that it's going to take A LOT, even MORE willpower to fight ED and eat healthfully.

Speaking of which, Dr. K and I were talking about eating today. She wants me to be more consistent. She gave me the "you-are-slowing-down-your-metabolism-so-your-approach-is-backfiring" lecture. I know this. I know that if my ultimate goal really is to lose weight, I need to be eating more consistently and healthier like my T says. So if my ultimate goal is to lose weight (this fact can be disputed here, but anyway), WHY can't I just eating like my T wants me to???? Not too little and not too much. I'm always at one extreme or the other. I do want to lose weight - so why can't I just take the advice of this postcard and stop dieting/EDing? My brother was talking to me about eating everything in moderation. Why can't I do that? (I know I'm asking that question a lot, but seriously, yo!) Why can't I just have one cookie and not the whole bag? Why can't I allow myself to have one sip of a milkshake without fear of downing 3 more on the spot? In my mind, it's either all or nothing. I need a healthy medium.

Dr. K and I came up with a meal plan that I'm going to start tomorrow (I can't start tonight because I'm going out to dinner with a friend, and you know how that screws up everything). It's going to be HARD (I'm going to need WILLPOWER) to stick to. But if I want to lose weight, I should stick to it, right? I need to increase my metabolism.

Now, I know that this is kind of twisted/ED thinking to have my motivation for eating more to be to lose weight - but I say if that's the only thing motivating me to agree to Dr. K's meal plan right now, I should stick with it until I have more noble aspirations. So there. I'm not intending this to be a pro-ED post or anything, but right now losing weight is the only thing that is motivating me to start to eat better and following a meal plan.

My new motto: "Fight ED - it takes WILLPOWER!" I used to believe that I was strong and superior when I am deep in ED, but this postcard at Borders (yay for postcards!) has helped me realize that it takes even more willpower and strength to do the right thing and eat healthfully and treat yourself well.

Am I Scared to be Thin?

2009-07-24T17:52:00.003-04:00

This is what Dr. K proposed to me today. Can you believe it??? She thinks I'm scared to be thin! Now that's something I've never heard from a ED therapist. Despite all my constant hard work to lose weight, Dr. K somehow thinks that being thin is a scary concept for me (doesn't she know that's all that I dream about???) She thinks it's because when I say I want to be thin, I'm really saying (you know, on that deeper level) that I want to like myself. But I'm scared sh-tless to like myself. Why? I'm not exactly sure... maybe because that means that I'll have to be successful and actually live my life or that if I like myself I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck at this body weight for my whole life... I don't know. You know what also scares me sh-tless? The big D word - Dating. I hate talking about it but Dr. K managed to squeeze some thoughts out of me today. I told her that I always tell myself that I'll date when I'm thin. Me telling her this just confirms her theory of me being scared to be thin (because then according to my logic, I'd have to start dating). I'm definitely going to have to ponder this "scared to be thin" concept. Maybe it's true on a deeper level (deeper than I'm consciously able to get to) because all my mind says 24/7 is must get thinner! Thinner! Thinner! Thinner! That's my mantra.

Think about it: Are you scared to be thin???

[Edit: The icing on the cake is that Dr. K told me that if I liked myself I would probably lose weight naturally. Go figure, eh?]

Pics From California Trip

2009-07-22T12:34:00.006-04:00

Well, I've finally gotten my act together and uploaded onto my computer my pictures from Northern Cali with JB. I could gush and gush and gush for an entire post about what an amazing trip I had... and maybe I will. I'm going to show mostly pictures though. Before the pictures begin, just let me reiterate that JB ROCKS! She is cooler than the other side of the pillow. Yay for blogger friends turned real friends! I know JB and I are going to be life-ers. Thanks JB for showing me around!

The thing I wanted to see most in Northern California was the Golden Gate Bridge. It's still surreal to me that I actually saw it. I don't know why it holds so much fascination for me, but I loves it. The south end of the bridge view was covered with fog, but luckily there was some breaks in the fog on the north end and I got to snap some photos. (I was a little snap happy on the bridge, hehe - but I'll spare you and only post a few).

JB and I walked out onto the bridge pretty far. It was windy and cold, but we are troopers. Here are our feet - aren't our shoes cute? JB (blue shoes) is clearly more daring than I was in terms of how how far through the bridge we put our feet. I was a wimp. But to give myself some credit, I was juggling the camera and trying to get a good shot without throwing my camera into the water. I've got skillz.

Here is a shot of the bay from the Golden Gate bridge. The water was a pretty greenish blue. It was fabulous! Let's play eye-spy - can you find the flying blimp in the picture?

Next stop on our trip after the Golden Gate, was going to Muir Woods and seeing the redwood and sequoia trees. I decided to throw in a picture of myself, but it might not be up for long.

This was the most important thing I learned at Muir Woods - this was a real sign. Don't disturb the bark, yo!!!

More realizations, besides not disturbing the bark, from California are to come!

Life Lessons from San Fran

2009-07-19T23:43:00.004-04:00

Tonight is my last night in California with JB. How sad. I can't believe how fast the weekend went. I'll be honest with you, I was really nervous about coming out here to see her. I was supremely obsessed and paranoid because of my body's fatness factor. I was terrified that JB was going to see me for the first time and think that I'm a fat chunk of lard and be totally disgusted. That fear almost kept me from coming to CA. I am infinitely grateful that I didn't let that hatred of my body keep me from coming to see JB because I've had a GREAT time. I didn't let me body stop me from doing fun things (definitely a first). We went to the Golden Gate Bridge, we went to Muir Woods, we went to a wonderful crepe place called Ti Couz... so many fun things. This weekend I've been happy and content. Sure, I've still been having A LOT of body image problems, but I'm refusing to let it interfere with my time with JB. I keep pushing those ED thoughts away instead of clinging onto them like usual. Usually I don't make an effort to push body hatred thoughts away - but I've been putting in extra effort to on this trip so that I won't ruin my mini vacay. (So I guess it is possible to fight those thoughts.....I always claim that I can't fight it....hmmmmmm....)

Important Realization: IT IS POSSIBLE TO ENJOY LIFE WITHOUT BEING THIN. I don't know if I'm ready to internalize this yet, but baby steps.

Thank you JB for a great weekend (and it's still not quite over!) and helping me be comfortable being me.

Flight Happy

2009-07-16T16:23:00.002-04:00

Despite being on a plane for five hours and anticipating another 2 hour flight, I am HAPPY and EXCITED.

Where am I going???

To meet, follower blogger, JB!!!!! I'm going to her house for the weekend and she is going to show me around. I'm excited because I've never been to Northern Cali, but more importantly, I'm excited to see JB. Let me just give props to JB for not only being an awesome blogger, but an absolutely amazing friend to me.

Thanks JB for being a great friend and hosting me at your house for the weekend! See you in two hours!!!

Kicking My Own Ass

2009-07-14T16:26:00.006-04:00

I feel like I've been posting a lot more frequently lately. I guess I've just been in the mood to blog! It's very therapeutic for me. I want to thank you for all the support you give me and continue to give me. It really is a blessing. It's funny because Dr. K knows that I blog and when I'm having a hard time she is like, "Why don't you go blog?" or "Have you blogged yet?"

I'm still going to the 12 step group on Sunday nights. I really like it, although some groups are more helpful than others. I think I am getting closer and closer to accepting the fact that my life is unmanageable (Step 1). I've been been feeling out of control lately and am finally acknowledging that ED is controlling my life.

I was talking to a friend online yesterday and we had an interesting conversation about our eating disorders. She is doing really well in recovery and was wondering what part of ED I was still holding onto and not willing to give up. I told her that I'm not willing to give up the desire/pursuit to be thin. I then proceeded to say that desiring to be thin makes me miserable. When I typed that, I think I was realizing that for the first time. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this realization, but I think I'm going to continue to ponder about it.

So the facts are: (1) ED is controlling my life and (2) desiring to be thin makes me miserable... Basically I'm kicking my own ass. Hmpf.

RANT

2009-07-13T22:11:00.004-04:00

Ugh, my credit is all S-C-R-E-W-E-D up!

Why you ask?

Damn HOSPITAL BILLS!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.